sometimes reality sucks...but there IS JOY!!

my reality right now is this...
yes, I did just lose my dad and a baby all within a month.
yes, it has been the hardest past 2 months of my life, by far.
yes, I have two little ones at very needy stages in life, pulling me in every direction.
yes, my body feels so out of whack, hormones still trying to adjust after my miscarriage.
yes, I have moments when tears flow easily,
and other times when I wish they would, but they just wont come out.
and yes, it all is hard. and honestly some of it just plain sucks.

but here's the rest of my reality...
there IS joy to be had.
yes.
there really is.



Coming up on my favorite celebration of the year this week,
has me reflecting a lot on the JOY that was made available to me when Jesus died for me.
The hope that I can now have in the midst of loss, heartache, sin, and fear.
the FREEDOM from all of that.
wow.
If that doesn't make me joyful, I don't know what does!



There's no doubt that grief and pain are real.
That fear is real.
These things ARE very real tools used by the enemy to rob us
of the joy we CAN have.

But I urge you today...
let it go. Stop listening to the lies that say you can't have joy.
for whatever reason you have in your head.

If you need to start simply
(kind of the stage i'm in now),
by just finding little aspects of Joy in your life
(like this precious little girl in her pink chair)
...then do that.
Or ask for prayer.
or turn on some worship music and just soak in it.

Let Him heal your heart,
and bring you the peace, the hope, the joy that you need today.



I really want you to know I care.
Tell me how I can pray for you.
Let's pursue the freedom of Jesus' sacrifice together.

email me if you have a prayer need.
I mean it. 
racingtowardsjoy@gmail.com



There IS joy for us all!!

Life goes on. But it's okay.

(reading this back through before I posted it, I realized it's a little jumbled.

I thought about rewriting, but I didn't bc this is just how my heart and mind are right now...

a little jumbled. 

SO...here ya go, here's my heart.)

- - - - - - - - - -

I am figuring out that the hardest part about grieving, for me,

is that life goes on around you.

No matter how bad I want to just shout to everyone,

"My Dad just died!", or 

"I was just pregnant last week, and now I'm not!"...

life goes on.

Three year old tantrums happen,

bills have to be paid,

clothes have to be washed,

groceries have to be bought,

lunches have to be packed.

None of that stuff changes in the midst of what feels like your world stopping.

And a lot of people, in grief, feel like they want everyone else's world to stop too.

But I think that desire for others to know what we are going through is

just part of the beautiful way God made us...

For our stories and testimonies to be heard.

And that's okay. It's good, actually.

I know some people wonder why I would share such personal stuff here on a blog.

And its true, it IS so very personal...to lose family, to lose a baby.

It's okay to not talk about it, and it's okay TO talk about it.

I feel led to share my journey here with you, (and I so appreciate your support.)

This...it helps me "stop".

It helps me feel like others are "stopping" with me, even if it for just the 5 minutes to read this post.

It is part of my "grief process" if you will.

It is part of my healing.

Like I said, life has to go on around you.

And I am figuring out that while that is really hard at times,

God SUSTAINS me.

And He will for you too, no matter what you are going through.

He will give you the strength to do what is before you

during the middle of hard times.

He is good like that.

The last few days have been pretty terrible.

some of the hardest I've had.

I think the impact of the last 2 months of my life just kindof hit me all at once.

so much loss, so much heartache.

So, yesterday and the day before, I wallowed.

Abigail watched hours of Angelina Ballerina and Dora the last few days,

and I put the girls down earlier than normal because I just needed to be done for the day.

And that's ok.

I needed to "stop".

But yesterday afternoon, and today...

I feel His strength again.

Not like it wasn't there for me before.

But I think the Lord knew I needed a few days to just 

STOP AND GRIEVE.

To really feel it all.

I honestly have no idea why exactly I started this post.

I just knew I needed to write today.

And to tell you that if you are feeling like you are going through something

where you just need to stop...and like you want other people around you to just stop...

that's ok.

If you need to blurt to the lady at the coffee shop that you just miscarried,

or tell the grocery store clerk that you are having a bad day,

that's okay.

If you need to have your kid watched by someone else,

or order food in for a few weeks,

that's okay.

But...it's also okay to have good days.

It's okay to have productive days.

It's okay to feel good about yourself.

You aren't forgetting your loved one, or neglecting your hurt heart,

by having a good day in the middle of grief.

that's okay.

Today, I got "dressed" for the first time in over a week.

I even felt a little cute.

I took my husband a coffee at work to bless him,

because he has been pretty neglected in the last few weeks.

It was a good thing, for both of us.

The last few days haven't lent many smiles.

But today I smiled.

and that's okay.

This whole grieving thing is such a journey,

Such a fresh one for me still.

And while the days seem really long right now,

I know He is with me..

and that He will make it all okay.

Thanks for "stopping" with me for a moment today.

It means a lot.

- - - - - - - - - -

thankful for hearts being shared here...

knit together in my womb...

"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

You saw my unformed body,

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16

That sweet little peanut went Home to be with it's Maker

last Monday, March 4th, 2013.

Baby was almost 9 belly-weeks old.

- - - - - - - - - -

Clearly, the Lord is working in me about grief and loss,

and what it looks like to trust Him through devastating things.

I look forward to processing that in my heart, 

as well as sharing it here, as He leads me to.

I will share more details about everything later this week,

But for today, I just wanted y'all to know what's been going on.

I believe that there are so many families who have been through this, 

that like me, need to know they are not alone.

And I have felt your prayers.

Thank you.

- - - - - - - - - -

I was so looking forward to sharing our news with y'all here soon...

only close friends and family knew we were expecting,

and have been celebrating with us for the last month.

I had planned to start out the announcement post with saying,

"God's timing of life and death is mysterious and beautiful.

2 days after my Dad's funeral, we found out baby #3 is on the way!".

Here's what I want to say now though.

Mourning is real. Grief is real. Sadness is real.

and very heavy for me right now.

But God's timing of life and death is STILL mysterious and beautiful.

- - - - - - - - - -

We just heard our sweet baby's healthy heartbeat and saw it's tiny body just a few weeks ago.

So the rawness and shock of all this is so painful.

And I started showing really early, which made it all so real, so quickly...

we were so excited to add to our family.

I still have a little belly, and some other pregnancy symptoms,

which has made the sting of this loss really hard.

But I am just trusting God with it all.

I don't have a choice.

He has to see me through this. I cannot do it on my own.

(I was around 7 1/2 weeks in this pic)

Coming on the heels of my Dad's death,

I am just trying to see God's hand in the midst of another terrible loss.

But I have to speak it, and declare it to myself

(even if I am struggling)...

that He is still good.

because He is.

Now I have two babies in Heaven,

(I miscarried a few years ago)

waiting for me there.

I'd like to think that this was a gift Dad received, to have a grandbaby come, right after he went Home.

I picture him holding our little one close right now.

And the conversations we have gotten to have with our precious Abigail,

about Heaven, and the baby, and Hop...

oh, they have been amazing.

God speaks to me through her.

Just this morning, she told me, out of the blue,

"The babies are with Jesus, Mommy.

They are in Heaven with Jesus, but they are also in our hearts."

- - - - - - - - - -

I would covet your continued prayers as we grieve another loss.

Our hearts are hurting

You can pray for us to feel God.

I have sensed Him, and have even felt joy from Him in the last week,

but I just need Him closer than ever.

You can pray for our whole family, as everyone felt like this was such a blessing after losing my Dad.

Pray for my body to continue to heal and adjust back to normal.

I had a D&C surgery last week, but I am still feeling pretty off.

Pray for my mind to be healed of the trauma of the miscarriage happening.

Pray for us to be moved into a place of trusting God like never before.

I SO desire to come out of this season with a fresh perspective on life.

An ETERNAL perspective.

I know the Lord is asking this of me.

He desires for me to know just how much he loves me and desires for me to see HIS bigger picture.

I'm not quite there yet, but I am thankful He is moving.

- - - - - - - - - -

I will miss this little baby in my tummy.

I hear it's fast little heartbeat in my head all the time.

I am glad that it now has a new body in Heaven,

and that I will get to hold baby in my arms someday.

But I am thankful for the arms that are holding it now.

I love you, sweet baby.

You were already my little peanut.

I will love you forever and am honored I got to know you for a short time in my belly.

I can't wait to love on you someday.

- - - - - - - - - -

Thanks for listening y'all.

I will share more details as I feel led to.

Please please know that if you are going through this, have been through this, or fear going through this...

you are NOT alone.

I am here.

and so is HE.

"Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope...

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning.

Great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, 'the Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for Him.' "

Lamentations 3:21

1 year since our loss

Today it has been a year.

1 year since we found out that the little one growing in my belly

had gone Home to be with it's Maker.

{you can read my story here}

I've shared about this a few times before...

but wanted, well, needed, to share it again today.

I'm the kind of person that is really

emotionally affected by "anniversaries" of things,

good and bad.

Above is the shirt I had made for Abigail (10 months old at the time)

to break the news to our parents that night that we were expecting,

under the disguise that we were celebrating Parker's birthday.

And also a picture of me holding her that night...

It's not the best pic of us, but I'm glad I have it.

{oh, and I gave away that yellow shirt I have on,

it reminded me of what I was wearing when we were told

the life inside wasn't there.}

{a few more sweet pics from that same day, which I am thankful to have}

...especially the precious one of Abigail just looking at me with such sweet, caring eyes...

as if she knew her Mama was hurting inside.

It's been a long year since then,

full of changes.

moving states, changing jobs, getting pregnant again,

basically starting over in lots of ways.

I've also shared a bit about this before,

{read here},

but I know the Lord has used that loss

to cause me to trust Him even more:

Trust that He is in control.

Trust that He hasn't forgotten the desires of my heart.

Trust that HIS timing is perfect.

Trust that HE is the Author of life and death.

Trust that He is a God of restoration...

even giving us a new baby to look forward to,

5 months after the loss.

(I'm due in 8 weeks with another little girl, Praise the Lord!)

Below is a picture of Abigail sleeping soundly at my mother-in-law's house

the day I had my D&C, 9 days after we found out...

This picture means a lot to me, and did on that day,

to see the comfort and peace that my little girl was experiencing

on a day that was so terrible for me...and to know that

God was taking care of her in the midst of this.

As soon as you find out you are pregnant,

dreams and plans start taking place in your heart.

So when a miscarriage or loss happens,

it takes a lot (at least it did for me)

to fully recognize and trust God with those dreams and desires again.

I'm not perfect, but I'm trying daily to learn to trust Him more.

HE is the only perfect planner, and the only One

who will make the desires of my heart come true, if it is His will.

{these are Abigail's sweet newborn feet}

I'll miss that sweet little life that God had started inside me

as long as I live,

but I know that the purposes God had for him

(I believe in my heart it would have been a boy)

needed to be fulfilled in Heaven instead of here.

...and he's curled up in the biggest, most loving lap right now.

I will always count this day in my heart as important,

and allow myself to feel sad, because it's okay to.

But I am also thankful for all He's done and continues to do in my heart

since November 10th of last year.

Thanks for listening and remembering along with me today.

In honor of this week marking this anniversary for us,

I am happy to be having several guest posts coming up from other special women who have experienced loss...and also experienced God's hand through it.

So please come back to read more, I know you will be blessed.

pregnancy after a miscarriage

I am beyond thrilled that we have another little baby on the way,

it is TRULY a blessing from God!!

Every day as my tummy grows, I am reminded of God's perfect timing and

purposes for our family,

and how important it is to surrender this little life to Him each day.

I love being pregnant, it makes me feel beautiful and full of God.

(well, when Im able to see past the naseau and exhaustion)

It makes me feel whole, and I love the dreaming that comes with thinking

about a new little person in the family.

I want to be honest though, and say that it has been a little more difficult with this pregnancy

(I am about 16 weeks now)

to fully trust that everything will be okay.

And that if it's not, that God is still in control and still loves me.

I write this with a sincere and sensitive heart,

as many friends and women out there have losses which are greater,

or long for the day when they will have a baby in their tummy or in their arms.

Several friends have lost babies farther along that I did, or after birth,

and I cannot imagine the pain they still deal with.

To some, the 10 weeks I had a baby in my belly last Fall seems like an eternity.

But I know God's plan for this new baby is perfect.

His plan for Abigail is perfect.

His purposes for the baby that we never knew is perfect.

His plan for YOU is perfect.

(this is me 4 days before Abigail arrived)

Having this surprise of a new baby on its way was and is a huge lesson for me

in daily dependence on God and His plans.

Last Fall when we got pregnant, I had been on the pill and breastfeeding still, and it was such a shock that we thought "this HAS to be God!"

But it wasn't His plan for that baby to grow and have life here on Earth.

When we found out this time, again I was on the pill and breastfeeding,

so physically, it was a big shock once again.

but it has taken that daily trust to be able to again say

"this HAS to be God"

and actually believe it.

here's what I want to be really honest about.

I still have to work through some of my hurt of FEELING like

"well that must NOT have been God",

after we stared into the still and quiet sonogram last November.

My belief that HE was clearly the one who had orchestrated that pregnancy

took a big blow,

and has allowed fear and unbelief to come in.

{to read more about our angel baby, click here}

Here are a few never-shared pictures that I consider to be a part of that

short pregnancy and life I had inside.

The middle picture is from our trip to Mexico, a week after we found out we were pregnant, and a week before we found out it had gone to Heaven.

That "big sister" shirt is what I had made for Abigail to wear, to tell our parents at dinner.

And that is a picture of Abigail that day we got the bad news..

For some reason this sweet faced picture from that terrible day speaks volumes to me.

But I know what He's trying to teach me (and using this pregnancy to do it)

is that "Yes, Sarah. that WAS me."

That He WAS there when we found out about that pregnancy.

That He WAS with me when I woke up from the D&C feeling so empty that

I couldn't cry.

That He WAS part of us getting pregnant this time.

That HIS plan and purpose for me and this new baby will be good,

no matter what it is.

Because HE is good.

the above pictures are a few from this new baby growing...

and my favorite one of all is the one of Abigail on the bottom right.

This deserves a whole post someday soon and I cannot wait to share it with you,

it was truly an act of God.

On our way home from our first sono, where we got to hear the strong heartbeat,

Parker and I were listening and praying to music in the car and turned around to see Abigail with her hands in the air...

worshipping Jesus for the new life He gave.

I am choosing today to depend on His goodness and His plan..

I want to say and recognize at the end of each day, that

"Yes, that WAS God."

read some more amazing women sharing what's on their hearts today.

click here: