honoring my Dad, and wiping some tears

"Hi, I am Sarah, John’s daughter. 

First of all, I cannot express my gratitude to you all for being here to celebrate my Dad’s life today. Thank you.

As if you didn’t already know, being an Aggie was a huge part of my Dad’s life.  It quickly became a huge part of my own, because my Dad’s enthusiasm about anything Aggie was just infectious.

Literally, I think I was singing “Hullaballoo” and yelling “Farmer’s Fight” by the time I was 3, having no idea what I was saying. But I did it with all my gusto and all my pride…because I wanted to be like my Daddy.

I spent almost every birthday growing up at the Bonfire, as it often ended up on my birthday weekend. Dad and I would often travel after Thanksgiving dinner down to College Station for the big TU weekend. I remember sitting on top of my Dad’s shoulders to watch them light the bonfire, thinking I had the best view because my dad was so tall.

From a young age, he taught me the war hymn, taught me how to wave my 12th man towel, and that I couldn’t walk on the grass or wear a hat in the MSC. We have sat in the same seats my entire life, and it gives me chills when I sit in them each year, because of the memories I have there. My times at Kyle Field with my dad are some of my fondest memories in my life.

I want to point something out here though, about my Dad.

While all those things at A&M were so important to him, he never once “pushed” it on me.  

I simply wanted to do those things, be a part of all that, because it was important to him.

He made it easy to love what he loved, because he was so incredibly genuine about it.  

And to me, that is the theme of his life as a dad and as a man of faith.

I once gave my dad a Father’s Day card that I always think about, and have expressed to him again through the years. 

It read “You make it so easy to know the Father’s love so well, because YOU have loved me so well.”

Like his love for Texas A&M, my Dad’s love for his Lord was just something sweet and infectious to be around. It drew people in, and I believe will continue to draw people to God, even after he is gone.

My dad did a lot for me. 

Things and sacrifices I recognize even more so now that I am a parent myself.

He sat through countless, and I mean countless, dance recitals and competitions, drill team shows, and Friday night football halftimes.  

He had me in a bright orange vest at a very young age, taking me dove and quail hunting each year with our birddogs. 

(and I assure you Ags…that was the ONLY time I was really allowed to wear orange!) 

He drove our family to Colorado many summers to stay at my uncle’s place in Crested Butte, where we made amazing family memories together. 

And he always kissed my mom when he walked in the door from work each evening, 

which I loved so much.

But the greatest thing my dad did for me, was to show me what a relationship with Jesus looked like. 

A real relationship…not a religion. 

Not a have-to-go-to-church, have-to-do-good, have-to-appear-a-certain-way relationship…because that is not really a relationship. 

But what I saw in my dad was the intimate connection he had with his Jesus. 

With his Savior. A trust in a personal God who would not fail him.

My dad appreciated God’s mercy and spoke of it often, recognizing that he would not be who he was without Jesus’s sacrifice for him.

My Dad’s humble posture to the Lord is what drew people to him

And what people recognized at the sweet gentle spirit in my dad…It was Jesus in him.

My heart hurts…truly aches…that my dad wont be sitting in his favorite chair, answering the phone when I call, going to A&M games with me, or holding my little girls in his lap anymore. 

But I am assured that He is experiencing joy indescribable and amazing peace right now as he walks, with perfect, un-parkinson’s, balance with his Lord.

I want to end with this, some precious words my sweet Abigail shared with me during all of this.  Keep in mind she had no idea that her beloved Hop might be going to Heaven soon, and we really didn't know yet either.

One night while Hop was still in the hospital, I asked her to pray with me for Hop, to which she replied, 

“What’s Jesus saying to Hop right now?”. 

I said “I don’t know, what is He saying to Hop?”.  

She paused and thought about it, and then said “Jesus is saying for Hop to come Home.”. 

That took my breath away, but then I said “oh wow, what else is Jesus saying to Hop right now?” Abigail said “Jesus is saying that God wants Hop to come to His house in Heaven”.

Out of the mouths of babes, right?

Her little spirit was being prepared, and the words of a three year old have brought me more comfort, knowing without a doubt, that Jesus had been preparing a way for my Dad...

to come Home to His House in Heaven."

Those are the words I spoke at my Dad's funeral, just 2 1/2 years ago. I wanted to honor him again this Father's Day by sharing it here. (you can read the whole post about his funeral here. It was a beautiful and God-honoring celebration of my Dad's life)

My Dad was an amazing man. He was a man of integrity and love and service to others. He was the most humble man I have ever know. Not an ounce of pride in his bones.  Even through physical and mental deterioration, he smiled, kept going, and relied on God.

Father's Day stirs it up a bit for me, as I am sure it does for many who have lost their fathers.

Those feelings of grief and waves of tears seem to come a little more easily when holidays roll around, especially one that was made to celebrate them. This week has followed suit, and i have found myself getting a little choked up here and there. But that's ok. It's just part of missing someone you love.

I really didn't have much point right now other than to encourage others who might be missing their Daddy this week. Just to say "I'm with you".

so, I am with you, friend. I feel your heartache and hurt, and relate to the longing you have for just one more hug or conversation with your Dad.

My prayer is that you would feel wrapped up in your Heavenly Father's Love in those moments. And that you would feel so loved on and taken care of today.

- - - - - - - - - -

I am also sharing a post over on Thrive Moms today, about what a Good Dad we have. Go check it out, I hope you will be blessed.

my trauma

bear with me today, okay?

I need to write this out.

*if you are not in a place emotionally to read about death and about miscarriage, 

please know I speak very openly here. I want you to protect your heart, friend.

And if any of this seems "TMI" to you, just know that all I am doing is sharing 

my stories as He leads me to.*

- - - - - - - - - -

One of the dictionary definitions of trauma is:

"an emotional upset".

Another is: 

"a disordered behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress".

we've all had trauma.

of many different kinds, many different stories, with many different effects.

- - - - - - - - - -

A week ago, only 10 miles from our house,

Thousands of people underwent severe trauma as the tornado hit Moore.

And they are still dealing with the very fresh trauma of it all.

Perhaps reliving it, or asking the "what-if's".

Even just that part is traumatic. (the thoughts that come after the event)

Seeing the devastation and loss and emotion unfold so close to us last week,

brought up a lot of emotion in me about my own personal traumas

I have endured in the last 4-5 months.

It's been a rough week for me emotionally.

(as I know it has for many...even if you don't live here, 

the images and stories are just heart-wrenching)

- - - - - - - - - -

I can look back now and say that,

starting January 5th, when my Dad took a pretty sudden turn for the worse,

the most traumatic months of my life have since happened.

Watching my Dad's health fail day after day,

and to see him leave this earth January 30th, was awful.

Though I know where he is, and Who he is with,

I am still dealing with the trauma I feel in my heart about it all.

I had the hardest conversation I have ever had to have with ANYone

during that time...when I had to speak to my Dad about his wishes for end of life care.

Though it was a conversation I am so thankful happened in the circumstances

(which in itself was a miracle because my dad had been incoherent except for those brief moments)...

I would never wish that conversation on anyone.

Especially on a daughter to her daddy.

I will never forget it, and will always have tears in my eyes when I think about it.

That conversation was very traumatic.

- - - - - - - - - -

The nurse coming into the kitchen, where we sat talking about my Dad,

and telling us it was "time", and that we needed to come.

Holding my Daddy's hand and knowing this was "it"...

that He was slipping into a realm I can only imagine and dream of.

I wanted so badly for him to be free of the suffering,

but I wanted so badly to make him stay.

Stepping out for a second to call my husband and tell him.

walking back in to the nurse mouthing to me me

"he's gone".

Seeing my mom holding my Dad's hand as he slipped away.

trauma.

- - - - - - - - - -

2 days after my Dad's funeral, we found out another baby was coming.

We were amazed and shocked and overwhelmed with the gift this felt like,

after losing my Dad just days before.

4 weeks later, I thought I had noticed a stain of blood when I went to the bathroom,
but didn't think much of it.

I went on with the morning as normal.

I dropped my girls off at school and went to the gym.

I stopped by the bathroom to pee before my workout.

Blood poured out of me in that tiny bathroom stall.

I pretty much ran out of the gym, praying so loud in my head that I do still wonder if maybe it was coming out of my mouth too.

Praying for this not to be what i thought it was.

For the baby to be okay.

more trauma.

As you probably know from my blog here,

that sweet baby did go Home to it's Maker that day, March 4th.

It was in my belly for almost 9 weeks.

I was already starting to show a bit.

We hadn't told the world, but we had told close friends and family,

who rejoiced even more so because this was obviously JOY after my Dad's death.

Telling them all that the baby was now with him was terrible.

TWO precious lives were taken from me in a matter of a month.

And two of the most precious ones...my dad and my baby.

Talk about feeling traumatized.

- - - - - - - - - -

then the grief.

how do you grieve? what stage are you in? are you angry yet?

are you just internalizing? do you need to talk?

omg.

I'm here to tell you that grieving is no joke.

It is all very real, and all very different for everyone,

though the same in some weird ways.

Grief in and of itself feels traumatic.

(had anyone else ever felt that way?)

- - - - - - - - - -

Here is what I really want to say today.

I don't just write this all out to sound dramatic or to get your sympathies.

I don't write it out to say "oh look at me, look what I've been through..."

I write it out it because it's my story.

It has been my story since January 5th and continues on.

I write it out because in a weird way (see, there goes the grief talking), it helps me.

BUT

the main reason I write it out is this....

to share something I have learned in all this incredible, heart breaking trauma in my life:

GOD IS STILL GOOD IN THE MIDST OF MY TRAUMA.

there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

He has never left me.

He never left my Dad.

He never left my baby.

(in fact He is probably sitting with them both right this very moment)

He has never left my mom.

He has not left the tornado victims.

How can I be so sure?

How can I feel like He is "with" me when I also feel so "traumatized"?

Because I believe His character is good.

I believe He did nothing to hurt me, because He loves me.

But that He will take the hurt I feel and spin it around to be used for good.

I don't have the "why?" answers.

I do ask the questions though, don't get me wrong.

And maybe someday I will hear those answers from Him.

But for now,

in the processing of my trauma,

I am choosing to trust Him.

I NEED those new mercies every morning.

badly!

I need to remember His power.

I need to hear His whispers of grace.

and you know what?

each day that I choose to believe Him,

feels less and less traumatic.

(there are weeks like this past one that have obviously brought it all back up, and I imagine that will happen for a long time)

But still...

I rest a little easier with each passing day.

He is BIGGER than the trauma I feel.

He is BIGGER than all the emotions and flashbacks I have.

He just IS.

- - - - - - - - - -

if you can't find the "why" today,

or if you are living in your own trauma...

look at His character.

It is good.

God is a good man that loves you deeply.

He WILL see you through.

- - - - - - - - - -

thanks for listening yall.

I am sure there will be follow up posts to this,

but I just wanted to share some of my story today.

love yall.

sometimes reality sucks...but there IS JOY!!

my reality right now is this...
yes, I did just lose my dad and a baby all within a month.
yes, it has been the hardest past 2 months of my life, by far.
yes, I have two little ones at very needy stages in life, pulling me in every direction.
yes, my body feels so out of whack, hormones still trying to adjust after my miscarriage.
yes, I have moments when tears flow easily,
and other times when I wish they would, but they just wont come out.
and yes, it all is hard. and honestly some of it just plain sucks.

but here's the rest of my reality...
there IS joy to be had.
yes.
there really is.



Coming up on my favorite celebration of the year this week,
has me reflecting a lot on the JOY that was made available to me when Jesus died for me.
The hope that I can now have in the midst of loss, heartache, sin, and fear.
the FREEDOM from all of that.
wow.
If that doesn't make me joyful, I don't know what does!



There's no doubt that grief and pain are real.
That fear is real.
These things ARE very real tools used by the enemy to rob us
of the joy we CAN have.

But I urge you today...
let it go. Stop listening to the lies that say you can't have joy.
for whatever reason you have in your head.

If you need to start simply
(kind of the stage i'm in now),
by just finding little aspects of Joy in your life
(like this precious little girl in her pink chair)
...then do that.
Or ask for prayer.
or turn on some worship music and just soak in it.

Let Him heal your heart,
and bring you the peace, the hope, the joy that you need today.



I really want you to know I care.
Tell me how I can pray for you.
Let's pursue the freedom of Jesus' sacrifice together.

email me if you have a prayer need.
I mean it. 
racingtowardsjoy@gmail.com



There IS joy for us all!!

Life goes on. But it's okay.

(reading this back through before I posted it, I realized it's a little jumbled.

I thought about rewriting, but I didn't bc this is just how my heart and mind are right now...

a little jumbled. 

SO...here ya go, here's my heart.)

- - - - - - - - - -

I am figuring out that the hardest part about grieving, for me,

is that life goes on around you.

No matter how bad I want to just shout to everyone,

"My Dad just died!", or 

"I was just pregnant last week, and now I'm not!"...

life goes on.

Three year old tantrums happen,

bills have to be paid,

clothes have to be washed,

groceries have to be bought,

lunches have to be packed.

None of that stuff changes in the midst of what feels like your world stopping.

And a lot of people, in grief, feel like they want everyone else's world to stop too.

But I think that desire for others to know what we are going through is

just part of the beautiful way God made us...

For our stories and testimonies to be heard.

And that's okay. It's good, actually.

I know some people wonder why I would share such personal stuff here on a blog.

And its true, it IS so very personal...to lose family, to lose a baby.

It's okay to not talk about it, and it's okay TO talk about it.

I feel led to share my journey here with you, (and I so appreciate your support.)

This...it helps me "stop".

It helps me feel like others are "stopping" with me, even if it for just the 5 minutes to read this post.

It is part of my "grief process" if you will.

It is part of my healing.

Like I said, life has to go on around you.

And I am figuring out that while that is really hard at times,

God SUSTAINS me.

And He will for you too, no matter what you are going through.

He will give you the strength to do what is before you

during the middle of hard times.

He is good like that.

The last few days have been pretty terrible.

some of the hardest I've had.

I think the impact of the last 2 months of my life just kindof hit me all at once.

so much loss, so much heartache.

So, yesterday and the day before, I wallowed.

Abigail watched hours of Angelina Ballerina and Dora the last few days,

and I put the girls down earlier than normal because I just needed to be done for the day.

And that's ok.

I needed to "stop".

But yesterday afternoon, and today...

I feel His strength again.

Not like it wasn't there for me before.

But I think the Lord knew I needed a few days to just 

STOP AND GRIEVE.

To really feel it all.

I honestly have no idea why exactly I started this post.

I just knew I needed to write today.

And to tell you that if you are feeling like you are going through something

where you just need to stop...and like you want other people around you to just stop...

that's ok.

If you need to blurt to the lady at the coffee shop that you just miscarried,

or tell the grocery store clerk that you are having a bad day,

that's okay.

If you need to have your kid watched by someone else,

or order food in for a few weeks,

that's okay.

But...it's also okay to have good days.

It's okay to have productive days.

It's okay to feel good about yourself.

You aren't forgetting your loved one, or neglecting your hurt heart,

by having a good day in the middle of grief.

that's okay.

Today, I got "dressed" for the first time in over a week.

I even felt a little cute.

I took my husband a coffee at work to bless him,

because he has been pretty neglected in the last few weeks.

It was a good thing, for both of us.

The last few days haven't lent many smiles.

But today I smiled.

and that's okay.

This whole grieving thing is such a journey,

Such a fresh one for me still.

And while the days seem really long right now,

I know He is with me..

and that He will make it all okay.

Thanks for "stopping" with me for a moment today.

It means a lot.

- - - - - - - - - -

thankful for hearts being shared here...

thanks for the prayers...

Thanks for all the prayers and concerns, 

since I asked for prayer this week as I am dealing with some very heavy sadness and grief. 

I will fill you in when the time is right, but for now, I just want to say thanks. 

The emails and messages I have received have been such a blessing to me.

Please just know that I appreciate you.

Your love helps me to feel the Father's presence in a very difficult season and trial.

And these precious girls keep me going too.

They bring life to me when I need to feel it most.

{please enjoy the straw hanging out of Bethany's mouth. lovely. :) }

finding things to be thankful for in the midst of heartache.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared 
with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
Romans 8:18