honoring my Dad, and wiping some tears

"Hi, I am Sarah, John’s daughter. 

First of all, I cannot express my gratitude to you all for being here to celebrate my Dad’s life today. Thank you.

As if you didn’t already know, being an Aggie was a huge part of my Dad’s life.  It quickly became a huge part of my own, because my Dad’s enthusiasm about anything Aggie was just infectious.

Literally, I think I was singing “Hullaballoo” and yelling “Farmer’s Fight” by the time I was 3, having no idea what I was saying. But I did it with all my gusto and all my pride…because I wanted to be like my Daddy.

I spent almost every birthday growing up at the Bonfire, as it often ended up on my birthday weekend. Dad and I would often travel after Thanksgiving dinner down to College Station for the big TU weekend. I remember sitting on top of my Dad’s shoulders to watch them light the bonfire, thinking I had the best view because my dad was so tall.

From a young age, he taught me the war hymn, taught me how to wave my 12th man towel, and that I couldn’t walk on the grass or wear a hat in the MSC. We have sat in the same seats my entire life, and it gives me chills when I sit in them each year, because of the memories I have there. My times at Kyle Field with my dad are some of my fondest memories in my life.

I want to point something out here though, about my Dad.

While all those things at A&M were so important to him, he never once “pushed” it on me.  

I simply wanted to do those things, be a part of all that, because it was important to him.

He made it easy to love what he loved, because he was so incredibly genuine about it.  

And to me, that is the theme of his life as a dad and as a man of faith.

I once gave my dad a Father’s Day card that I always think about, and have expressed to him again through the years. 

It read “You make it so easy to know the Father’s love so well, because YOU have loved me so well.”

Like his love for Texas A&M, my Dad’s love for his Lord was just something sweet and infectious to be around. It drew people in, and I believe will continue to draw people to God, even after he is gone.

My dad did a lot for me. 

Things and sacrifices I recognize even more so now that I am a parent myself.

He sat through countless, and I mean countless, dance recitals and competitions, drill team shows, and Friday night football halftimes.  

He had me in a bright orange vest at a very young age, taking me dove and quail hunting each year with our birddogs. 

(and I assure you Ags…that was the ONLY time I was really allowed to wear orange!) 

He drove our family to Colorado many summers to stay at my uncle’s place in Crested Butte, where we made amazing family memories together. 

And he always kissed my mom when he walked in the door from work each evening, 

which I loved so much.

But the greatest thing my dad did for me, was to show me what a relationship with Jesus looked like. 

A real relationship…not a religion. 

Not a have-to-go-to-church, have-to-do-good, have-to-appear-a-certain-way relationship…because that is not really a relationship. 

But what I saw in my dad was the intimate connection he had with his Jesus. 

With his Savior. A trust in a personal God who would not fail him.

My dad appreciated God’s mercy and spoke of it often, recognizing that he would not be who he was without Jesus’s sacrifice for him.

My Dad’s humble posture to the Lord is what drew people to him

And what people recognized at the sweet gentle spirit in my dad…It was Jesus in him.

My heart hurts…truly aches…that my dad wont be sitting in his favorite chair, answering the phone when I call, going to A&M games with me, or holding my little girls in his lap anymore. 

But I am assured that He is experiencing joy indescribable and amazing peace right now as he walks, with perfect, un-parkinson’s, balance with his Lord.

I want to end with this, some precious words my sweet Abigail shared with me during all of this.  Keep in mind she had no idea that her beloved Hop might be going to Heaven soon, and we really didn't know yet either.

One night while Hop was still in the hospital, I asked her to pray with me for Hop, to which she replied, 

“What’s Jesus saying to Hop right now?”. 

I said “I don’t know, what is He saying to Hop?”.  

She paused and thought about it, and then said “Jesus is saying for Hop to come Home.”. 

That took my breath away, but then I said “oh wow, what else is Jesus saying to Hop right now?” Abigail said “Jesus is saying that God wants Hop to come to His house in Heaven”.

Out of the mouths of babes, right?

Her little spirit was being prepared, and the words of a three year old have brought me more comfort, knowing without a doubt, that Jesus had been preparing a way for my Dad...

to come Home to His House in Heaven."

 

 

Those are the words I spoke at my Dad's funeral, just 2 1/2 years ago. I wanted to honor him again this Father's Day by sharing it here. (you can read the whole post about his funeral here. It was a beautiful and God-honoring celebration of my Dad's life)

My Dad was an amazing man. He was a man of integrity and love and service to others. He was the most humble man I have ever know. Not an ounce of pride in his bones.  Even through physical and mental deterioration, he smiled, kept going, and relied on God.

Father's Day stirs it up a bit for me, as I am sure it does for many who have lost their fathers.

Those feelings of grief and waves of tears seem to come a little more easily when holidays roll around, especially one that was made to celebrate them. This week has followed suit, and i have found myself getting a little choked up here and there. But that's ok. It's just part of missing someone you love.

I really didn't have much point right now other than to encourage others who might be missing their Daddy this week. Just to say "I'm with you".

so, I am with you, friend. I feel your heartache and hurt, and relate to the longing you have for just one more hug or conversation with your Dad.

My prayer is that you would feel wrapped up in your Heavenly Father's Love in those moments. And that you would feel so loved on and taken care of today.

- - - - - - - - - -

I am also sharing a post over on Thrive Moms today, about what a Good Dad we have. Go check it out, I hope you will be blessed.

knit together in my womb...

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
You saw my unformed body,
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16


Photobucket

That sweet little peanut went Home to be with it's Maker
last Monday, March 4th, 2013.
Baby was almost 9 belly-weeks old.

- - - - - - - - - -


Clearly, the Lord is working in me about grief and loss,
and what it looks like to trust Him through devastating things.
I look forward to processing that in my heart, 
as well as sharing it here, as He leads me to.

I will share more details about everything later this week,
But for today, I just wanted y'all to know what's been going on.
I believe that there are so many families who have been through this, 
that like me, need to know they are not alone.


And I have felt your prayers.

Thank you.


- - - - - - - - - -



I was so looking forward to sharing our news with y'all here soon...

only close friends and family knew we were expecting,
and have been celebrating with us for the last month.

I had planned to start out the announcement post with saying,
"God's timing of life and death is mysterious and beautiful.
2 days after my Dad's funeral, we found out baby #3 is on the way!".

Here's what I want to say now though.
Mourning is real. Grief is real. Sadness is real.
and very heavy for me right now.
But God's timing of life and death is STILL mysterious and beautiful.

- - - - - - - - - -

We just heard our sweet baby's healthy heartbeat and saw it's tiny body just a few weeks ago.
So the rawness and shock of all this is so painful.

And I started showing really early, which made it all so real, so quickly...
we were so excited to add to our family.
I still have a little belly, and some other pregnancy symptoms,
which has made the sting of this loss really hard.
But I am just trusting God with it all.
I don't have a choice.
He has to see me through this. I cannot do it on my own.

(I was around 7 1/2 weeks in this pic)
Photobucket

Coming on the heels of my Dad's death,
I am just trying to see God's hand in the midst of another terrible loss.
But I have to speak it, and declare it to myself
(even if I am struggling)...
that He is still good.
because He is.

Now I have two babies in Heaven,
waiting for me there.
I'd like to think that this was a gift Dad received, to have a grandbaby come, right after he went Home.
I picture him holding our little one close right now.

And the conversations we have gotten to have with our precious Abigail,
about Heaven, and the baby, and Hop...
oh, they have been amazing.
God speaks to me through her.
Just this morning, she told me, out of the blue,
"The babies are with Jesus, Mommy.
They are in Heaven with Jesus, but they are also in our hearts."

- - - - - - - - - -

I would covet your continued prayers as we grieve another loss.
Our hearts are hurting
You can pray for us to feel God.
I have sensed Him, and have even felt joy from Him in the last week,
but I just need Him closer than ever.
You can pray for our whole family, as everyone felt like this was such a blessing after losing my Dad.
Pray for my body to continue to heal and adjust back to normal.
I had a D&C surgery last week, but I am still feeling pretty off.
Pray for my mind to be healed of the trauma of the miscarriage happening.
Pray for us to be moved into a place of trusting God like never before.

I SO desire to come out of this season with a fresh perspective on life.
An ETERNAL perspective.
I know the Lord is asking this of me.
He desires for me to know just how much he loves me and desires for me to see HIS bigger picture.
I'm not quite there yet, but I am thankful He is moving.

- - - - - - - - - -

I will miss this little baby in my tummy.
I hear it's fast little heartbeat in my head all the time.
I am glad that it now has a new body in Heaven,
and that I will get to hold baby in my arms someday.
But I am thankful for the arms that are holding it now.

I love you, sweet baby.
You were already my little peanut.
I will love you forever and am honored I got to know you for a short time in my belly.
I can't wait to love on you someday.

Photobucket

- - - - - - - - - -

Thanks for listening y'all.
I will share more details as I feel led to.
Please please know that if you are going through this, have been through this, or fear going through this...
you are NOT alone.
I am here.
and so is HE.


"Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope...

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning.
Great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'the Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.' "
Lamentations 3:21

post signature

thanks for the prayers...


Thanks for all the prayers and concerns, 
since I asked for prayer this week as I am dealing with some very heavy sadness and grief. 
I will fill you in when the time is right, but for now, I just want to say thanks. 
The emails and messages I have received have been such a blessing to me.

Please just know that I appreciate you.
Your love helps me to feel the Father's presence in a very difficult season and trial.

And these precious girls keep me going too.
They bring life to me when I need to feel it most.

Photobucket
{please enjoy the straw hanging out of Bethany's mouth. lovely. :) }

finding things to be thankful for in the midst of heartache.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared 
with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
Romans 8:18



post signature

change of heart, change of plans

Today as I dropped off Abigail at Mothers Day Out,
I ran through my head all I could choose from to get done during my 5 hours of "me-time".
I planned to have a clean house, get a good work out in, write some blogs, get my eyebrows waxed, pay some bills, run a few errands.
But God had different plans for me today.
He wanted to change my heart too.

On my way home this morning I found out a dear friend has passed away.
He was an amazing man and loved Jesus and people well.
He was actually my sunday school teacher when I was in kindergarten.

About 8 years ago, we reconnected with him and his family through mutual friends, when he was diagnosed with cancer and we were asked to pray for him.
He had a long battle, including several years of being healed.
But it recently returned and God called him home quickly.
He touched many in his life and many know their Savior because of this man.

In the chaos that it is after losing a loved one,
we did not find out until this morning that he had actually passed on Sunday.
The funeral service is today.
Parker is stuck out of town for work, and Abigail is at school, so I will be going by myself.

Leaving behind the dirty house, the unwritten blogs, the unpaid bills, the unwaxed eyebrows.
But Im glad.

Its not like I want to go to a funeral.
But I do want to live each day with an eternal perspective
like I was reminded of so suddenly today.
This is the second time in 1 week that I am wearing my funeral outfit.
Yet, I am so easily caught back up in the daily stuff. Thats what it is...stuff.

God can change our plans, our life, our destiny,
our everything, in the blink of an eye.
19 months ago, He took Parker's dad Home in a matter of hours.
7 months ago, He took our baby back into His arms
after just 10 weeks of being in my womb.
3 months ago, Parker's godfather was given a few months to live.
Last week, my sister-in-laws dad died suddenly,
and today I am going to a dear friend and mentor's funeral.

Im not writing this to be a downer.
Im hoping it can remind us all that there is a bigger picture.
and I don't mean just death.
But doesn't it cause you to want to LIVE even more?
To not worry about what we will eat, drink, or wear?
To lay aside our plans, every day, even every moment,
and inquire of God what He would have you do that day?

I want to think on the things of HIM and of Heaven.
that doesn't mean sit around and think about death
It means thinking about LIFE.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what's true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8

This doesn't mean don't clean your house, or get your eyebrows waxed, or watch TV.
Just remember that God may change your day or your life,
but its because He loves you and wants you to see the
life He gave you for the gift that it is.