knit together in my womb...

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
You saw my unformed body,
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16


That sweet little peanut went Home to be with it's Maker
last Monday, March 4th, 2013.
Baby was almost 9 belly-weeks old.

- - - - - - - - - -

Clearly, the Lord is working in me about grief and loss,
and what it looks like to trust Him through devastating things.
I look forward to processing that in my heart, 
as well as sharing it here, as He leads me to.

I will share more details about everything later this week,
But for today, I just wanted y'all to know what's been going on.
I believe that there are so many families who have been through this, 
that like me, need to know they are not alone.

And I have felt your prayers.

Thank you.

- - - - - - - - - -

I was so looking forward to sharing our news with y'all here soon...

only close friends and family knew we were expecting,
and have been celebrating with us for the last month.

I had planned to start out the announcement post with saying,
"God's timing of life and death is mysterious and beautiful.
2 days after my Dad's funeral, we found out baby #3 is on the way!".

Here's what I want to say now though.
Mourning is real. Grief is real. Sadness is real.
and very heavy for me right now.
But God's timing of life and death is STILL mysterious and beautiful.

- - - - - - - - - -

We just heard our sweet baby's healthy heartbeat and saw it's tiny body just a few weeks ago.
So the rawness and shock of all this is so painful.

And I started showing really early, which made it all so real, so quickly...
we were so excited to add to our family.
I still have a little belly, and some other pregnancy symptoms,
which has made the sting of this loss really hard.
But I am just trusting God with it all.
I don't have a choice.
He has to see me through this. I cannot do it on my own.

(I was around 7 1/2 weeks in this pic)

Coming on the heels of my Dad's death,
I am just trying to see God's hand in the midst of another terrible loss.
But I have to speak it, and declare it to myself
(even if I am struggling)...
that He is still good.
because He is.

Now I have two babies in Heaven,
waiting for me there.
I'd like to think that this was a gift Dad received, to have a grandbaby come, right after he went Home.
I picture him holding our little one close right now.

And the conversations we have gotten to have with our precious Abigail,
about Heaven, and the baby, and Hop...
oh, they have been amazing.
God speaks to me through her.
Just this morning, she told me, out of the blue,
"The babies are with Jesus, Mommy.
They are in Heaven with Jesus, but they are also in our hearts."

- - - - - - - - - -

I would covet your continued prayers as we grieve another loss.
Our hearts are hurting
You can pray for us to feel God.
I have sensed Him, and have even felt joy from Him in the last week,
but I just need Him closer than ever.
You can pray for our whole family, as everyone felt like this was such a blessing after losing my Dad.
Pray for my body to continue to heal and adjust back to normal.
I had a D&C surgery last week, but I am still feeling pretty off.
Pray for my mind to be healed of the trauma of the miscarriage happening.
Pray for us to be moved into a place of trusting God like never before.

I SO desire to come out of this season with a fresh perspective on life.
An ETERNAL perspective.
I know the Lord is asking this of me.
He desires for me to know just how much he loves me and desires for me to see HIS bigger picture.
I'm not quite there yet, but I am thankful He is moving.

- - - - - - - - - -

I will miss this little baby in my tummy.
I hear it's fast little heartbeat in my head all the time.
I am glad that it now has a new body in Heaven,
and that I will get to hold baby in my arms someday.
But I am thankful for the arms that are holding it now.

I love you, sweet baby.
You were already my little peanut.
I will love you forever and am honored I got to know you for a short time in my belly.
I can't wait to love on you someday.


- - - - - - - - - -

Thanks for listening y'all.
I will share more details as I feel led to.
Please please know that if you are going through this, have been through this, or fear going through this...
you are NOT alone.
I am here.
and so is HE.

"Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope...

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning.
Great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'the Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.' "
Lamentations 3:21

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