one of the scariest moments in my life.

I want to share one of the scariest moments in my life with you today.

and also about the supernatural protection God provided.

I feel led to share it here because I KNOW the Lord is prompting

me to write about FEAR on this blog.

About my battle with it, and about how HE has given me freedom from the chains it used to keep me in.

I will be very detailed here because I want you to be able to see God's hand in it as I now do...

and I pray that if you read this it would NOT cause you to fear yourself, but instead it would encourage you regarding God's protection.

One morning in July 2010, I was sleeping in the guest bed in Abigail's nursery, and she was sleeping in an inclined rocker near the bed (she slept in that to help her reflux).

I usually wore my contacts to bed for weeks at a time so I could see when I got up to nurse Abigail. But my eyes had needed a break the night before, so I took them out.

That morning, I woke up, and because I could not see Abigail very well with no contacts in,

I thought to myself that I needed to pull her rocker closer to me.

And in that instant I also had one of those mommy moments where

I just wanted her to be close.

So I reached over and slid her right up to the side of the bed,

as far up as it could go so that I could see her.

She was still sound asleep, so I went back to sleep too.

literally LESS than 5 minutes later,

the loudest crash I think I've ever heard woke me up. Abigail started screaming and so did I.

The ceiling fan had literally COME OUT of the ceiling, and fallen to the floor...

the light, the fan, the wires, the motor...ALL of it.

Glass, wood, and metal in a heavy heap on the floor.

RIGHT where Abigail had been sleeping not 5 minutes before.

I don't need to tell you what 50 pounds of ceiling fan

could have done if it had landed on my tiny baby girl.

Though the edge of one fan blade hit Abigail's sleeper,

she was perfectly fine...just completely scared and screaming, as was I.

Needless to say it took me a long time to get over this (and to trust using a fan again).

Fear crept (well, fell really) into my heart.

But here is where I want to point out the AMAZING protection of the Lord.

Had my eyes not been tired, I wouldn't have taken my contacts out.

Had I not taken my contacts out, I would not have been unable to see Abigail,

Had I not been unable to see her, I never would have moved her sleeper.

And had I not moved her from where she was...

But I haven't told you (shown you) the most amazing part of this story.

The DAY BEFORE this happened, we were at a 1 year old birthday party and my friend Jessi took a picture of me and Abigail.

This picture is not edited in any way, her camera was working just fine, and no other pictures came out like this.

I don't know if you believe in the supernatural, and in the Lord's protective angels...but we do.

And after this picture was taken, we KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord had already summoned His angels to protect our little girl

from what would happen the next day.

crazy, right? or not.

just plain God, that's what we think.

Oh I am in tears as I write about this and see this picture. God is SO good.

The point in sharing this with you in regards to fear, is that my desire is to live

expectant that God will protect.

I believe that as humans, protection is one of the main fears we struggle with.

I want to live in expectation that He will orchestrate HIS plans in my (and my children's) best interest, because He loves me.

"For He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.

they will life you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone..."

Psalm 91:11

I have spoken with several of my good friends just this week, and read several blog posts lately about it...and it seems like all of us have been battling fear.

And It's unfortunately kind of a "given" when you are a mother, that you will feel even more fear about loss, sickness, injury, heartache, etc for your child...

But I'm on a journey to believing that it doesn't have to be our mode of operation.

I'm LIVING proof that there is freedom from the prison of fear.

I look forward to sharing more of my testimony with you about this.

I am going to begin a "series" about fear every Thursday on this blog.

Just about my journey and battle with it.

It is a powerful spirit that is NOT from the Lord.

It is one that I lived with for WAY too long, to the point of making me physically sick.

And I want freedom for YOU too.

Maybe through the power in testimony, we can walk through this battle of fear together.

{linking up here.}

God has done a Miracle...update on my Dad

Update on my Dad...

Dad finally slept for about 15 hours today.

During this time, the neurologist came in and explained things again.

He said that the plan was to take him of all his parkinsons and dementia meds and introduce them back slowly after he wakes up.

He told us that something got things all out of whack,

probably a sudden progression in his brain of dementia or of PD.

I asked him if we could expect Dad to return to his normal self after all this...

his answer was no.

He said he MAY be a high percentage of himself, but not like he was.

He told me to expect this to be a long road, and that it would be a while, if at all, that Dad would be able to communicate like normal with us.

We had hope, but still fear of what to expect ahead.

BUT GOD HAD A DIFFERENT PLAN!!

My mom stepped out for a minute this afternoon, and when she walked back in the room, Dad was sitting up and asked for some water!

He carried on conversation just as clear as ever.

He talked about the Mavs, the Aggies (of course) and even asked if Abigail could come visit.

He was talking just like normal, just like my Dad.

TRULY a miracle after the incoherent jibberish the last 3 days, and after the dr's prediction.

We are stunned, the medical team is stunned.

But God is not.

He is SO good!!

Dad is still very weak physically and will begin some physical and occupational therapies in the next few days. According to the dr today, he will probably go to an inpatient rehab for a little bit just to regain strength and agility. Not sure when all this will take place but hopefully by the end of the week.

Dad doesn't remember much of the last few days, which is a blessing in itself.

Still probably best to not have visitors while my Dad is wrapping his head around all that has just happened.

Please dont stop praying.

According to the dr, this "episode" is the first of more to come over his life...

but we are believing God that He will just heal my dad completely!!

Let me remind you that this completely normal conversation and interaction today is happening without ANY medications in him. nothing.

I am asking God to HEAL my Dad of Parksinson's

through this, and we are thankful for the healing that has already taken place.

Thanks so much, Your prayers have been heard...keep em coming!!

God's power through the Holy Spirit is REAL!!!

urgent prayer needed....update on my dad

I posted a few days ago with a request to pray for my dad...

here is an update.

will hopefully have more time to write more soon.

Unfortunately my dad is not doing any better, and has actually become a bit more incoherent.

I think I said this before, but they were unable to to the MRI (to test for a stroke) because the medicine they gave him to be still during the test had a negative effect and he became very agitated and they were not able to do it.

He is pretty much unable to communicate lucidly...he mumbles jibberish and sounds, but nothing makes sense except for a few words here and there. He doesnt seem to know where he is or whats going on right now.

He has had to be "restrained" to the bed with ties (sounds worse than it is) because whenever he gets agitated or overstimulated he tried to move and thrash around so these help him to remain safe and still.

He is very frustrated by them though (as anyone would be!).

It is very hard to watch.

The latest "diagnosis" or thoughts from the dr is that this is all related to his medications and so the plan right now is they are taking him off of all his meds (parkinsions and dementia meds),

and will reevaluate things as they get out of his system.

So adding to all this is that he is now having some "withdrawal" type symptoms from the medications leaving his body. They have tried to give him so things to help make him calmer but they have not helped up to this point.

So the course of action for us and for you is to PRAY.

pray. pray. pray.

Without ceasing, as the Lord tells us to do.

Please pray for HEALING, for a miracle, for peace.

Please pray for Peace to be in my dad's mind. It is apparent that something in him knows that he isnt right, and it frustrates him.

And please pray for direction and communication with the doctors.

and please please pray for SLEEP. He finally slept last night for the first time in 3 days.

I think his brain is just wired right now. (and they cant give him anything because of the situation).

and please pray for my mom. It is hard enough to watch my dad like this,

but I cannot imagine my husband being like this, not knowing who I am.

Thanks SO much.

I am so thankful for this blogging community and how I know people are actually praying.

I will be in touch.

Please have any other prayer warriors you know join us in crying out for my dad.

We need a miracle,

and we know HE is capable.

please pray for my dad

My computer has been out of commission for about a week so I have missed my blogging world! I hope everyone is doing well and Im hoping to catch up on your blogs soon!

I have had so much on my mind to blog about this week,

but today I am asking you for prayer...

for my precious dad.

Just to cut right to it,

yesterday over a very short time span, my dad became somewhat disoriented

and confused about things.

It became worse as the day went on, so yesterday evening we took him to the emergency room.

They are still testing things, and we are told it could possibly be a stroke, or maybe something is wrong with the medications he takes, or a sudden progression of his disease, or maybe a bad infection has gotten to his brain.

His mental state is not good,

he is very confused, not knowing who people are, where he is, etc.

He gets agitated very easily, and he is having lots of hallucinations.

They tried to do the MRI this evening to test for a stroke,

but the medicine they gave him to stay still during the test

made him worse, so they were not even able to do the MRI.

Dr's are hoping that the cause of this is something messed up with his medications.

I am hoping that too.

I am praying for something "fixable".

I am so sad to see him like this,

its NOT him.

On a daily basis my Dad lives with a disease, one that you may have heard of...

Parkinson's Disease (PD).

You have probably heard that name because Michael J Fox is an amazing activist and patient of PD. You may have even seen him do commercials or on news spots, talking about his disease and his foundation that is trying to find a cure.

I have always wanted to do a post about PD,

about what it is, to make people aware.

and about how much I hate it.

I dont use that word except when talking about this disease...

i HATE it.

Like many diseases, (and like our enemy), it steals, kills, and destroys.

It eats away at the body and mind, and is a life-altering, life-long progressive sickness.

I pray DAILY for God to heal my dad from PD.

My dad is an amazingly kind man,

Most people who know him would tell you that he is one of the sweetest men they know.

He loves people well and loves God well.

As I pray for him and his battle with Parkinson's,

now I am also praying for healing from whatever is causing this problem the last 24 hours.

It is so hard to see my dad not being his gentle self.

Parker has had to remind me that my Dad is still my Dad,

hes just being covered up by this sickness right now.

I fear it will be longer than just right now.

I fear this is a turning point in his health that he wont recover from.

I fear that this will be so difficult.

But I pray that God has a better plan that what I can see in this moment.

I pray that God will HEAL my Dad,

that he will recover quickly from this.

I pray that my mom would find strength in this midst of this pain and uncertainty.

I pray that my Dad's brain and mind would be at peace.

I pray that God would do a miracle, I know He can.

Please pray with me as you feel led...

Thanks so much.

remembering our angel baby

3 months ago today, November 10, 2010, I found out I had become a member of a larger-than-it-should-be club of angel mommies. Some of you know about this and some don't, but I have been needing to process this "out loud" and felt this was a good and therapeutic way for me to do that. Please bear with me as I try to express my heart about the baby that we have waiting for us on the other side of Heaven...the beautiful workmanship of God that He just needed to be back Home before we got the chance to provide a home here.

At the end of October, very much to our surprise, Parker and I discovered that I was pregnant. My hormones were feeling a bit off so as a fluke, I decided to take a pregnancy test, which came out positive (all 4 tests!) For all reasons this was unexpected, but because it was so, (after we got over the shock of it!), we really believed it must be God's plan since it was not ours yet. Though we definitely want several more children, we were not quite ready yet, since at the time Abigail was still just 10 months old. We got the blood work results from the doctor a few days after we took the test at home, confirming that I was around 8 weeks pregnant. We scheduled the first ultrasound for 2 weeks later, and anxiously awaited seeing our new little one for the first time.

We had planned to go on our first vacation away from Abigail the week after we found out, so kept our plans but decided not to tell anyone (including our parents) about the pregnancy until we got back and had our ultrasound. In the meantime, and on our vacation, we began to dream about what this new little life would be like. Would he have a big personality like Abigail, or would he be a little "quieter"? How would Abigail do being a big sister? What will he look like? How will we fit another person in our house? What will God have planned for his life? When we found out, I read in my pregnancy book that the baby was about the size of a blueberry, so we called it "Blueberry" for the next few weeks.

From the moment you find out you are expecting, you start to dream. You start to make plans in your head and in your heart. You start to feel a connection to this life inside. Having been through pregnancy already, I was already excited for the coming months and days when I would feel the baby move or hiccup inside my belly. I was excited and already planning what I would want the delivery to be like. I couldnt wait for Abigail to understand that she would be a big sister.

We decided to have our parents over the night of the 10th, under the disquise of celebrating Parker's birthday, so we could present the news to them all at once. I had made a onesie for Abigail with iron-on letters that said "Big Sister", and we had planned to change her into it and see how long it took our parents to notice. It is still in her closet, I dont know what to do with it yet.

That morning we had our ultrasound at 10:00. Abigail went with us. We went to the little room with the sono and ultrasound machines and prepared to hear a new little heartbeat. Thats when everything changed. Before the sonographer even started the test, something inside my heart all of the sudden, in one quick instant, knew that it wasnt going to be good. I cant explain it, it was just a heartbreaking instinct. She proceeded, and I looked at the screen so wanting my feeling to be wrong. Then I looked at her face and knew it wasnt. She said she would move it around a little bit more to see if she is missing something, but then just so plainly said to me that this looks like it would not be a "viable" pregnancy, and that she needed to go get the doctor.

On the screen there was a little circle where we should have seen and heard a little flashing heartbeat but it was just empty, still, and quiet. She stepped out and had my Dr come in. He came in and looked at the screen to confirm what we all aleady knew... there was no baby. You could still see the little sac floating around that our little blueberry should've been in. Heartwrenching. My doctor is a Christian man and so offered up some sweet words and a hug, apologized for our loss, and assured me that this was Gods plan. I did not cry in the office but just kindof went numb.

There had been no indication of a miscarriage, no bleeding, no terrible cramping or sickness, so I was shocked. I dont know when this little baby went to be with Jesus. Especially like I said before, this was so unexpected and unplanned that we thought it must've been God, so it made it all the more shocking and disappointing to now wrestle with the question of why and how this happened. I went about the day just kindof in shock. My precious husband stayed home from work to be with me. Abigail went to sleep in the car on the way home from the doctor, so we went and parked at the lake while she slept, to just talk and process and cry. We still had planned for our family to come over but now the night would be very different. Parker made the decision to go ahead and call our moms to tell them that we had been hoping to surprise them that night but instead were dealing with this. Im glad he did that so that our moms knew what was going on...I don't think I could've told them face to face. All I remember from the night was that when my parents were leaving, my mom hugged me and I just sobbed. I don't think I have ever sobbed like that with my parents, at least not as an adult. It didnt last long but it helped tremendously...I guess the emotion of hugging my own mom made me feel better as this bad news had impacted myself as a mom.

The next few days were filled with darkness for me. This can be another post someday, as I am still working through it, but I just recently realized that this affected me so much because I felt like God disappointed me. He knows my heart as a mommy to Abigail and how I have never felt more fulfilled doing anything else, and how all I want to do is raise and love children. I felt like He let me down. I know His ways are higher but I am still learning what that means, and that His ways aren't always comfortable for us. The days were dark also because I was living with the fear of the physical act of miscarrying. I had heard and read traumatic stories about it and was dreading it so much, but the dr wanted me to wait and see if my body would "pass" it naturally. gosh, I can hardly even write that...to have to "pass" what was a baby like it is a kidney stone or something sounds just wrong. (like I said, I am still learning Gods plan for me in this). After 7 days my body still had not done what it shouldve so we went back for another ultrasound to confirm there was still no heartbeat. I had left a tiny window of hope open for a miracle to happen but wasnt surprised to know that nothing had changed. I wanted to get this physcial part overwith. It was seriously weighing on me as I dreaded and feared the miscarrying, in addition to my heart aching. So we decided to schedule a D&C procedure for that Friday, the 19th since my body was not passing it naturally like we had hoped. The surgery went well but I remember waking up out of the anesthesia completely sad. I knew something had been taken from me. Even though it wasnt there before the surgery, it was like a new sense of loss that it was really actually gone now.

The next several weeks and months, and still to this day, have included sadness every day. It has gotton less and less but the hurt still remains. It doesnt overtake me, but it is still a daily thought. We have had friends and family close to us, who have dealt with loss later in pregnancy and even after birth, and my heart breaks for them as they had even more time to dream, to plan, to hope. Loss is a terrible thing, but I am thankful that Parker and I know where our little angel is and that Abigail has a brother or sister waiting for her someday. Thank you for letting me share this story with you. I hope to write more in the coming months about how the Lord is healing my heart from this and about what the Lord is speaking to me through it. I know He will. I want to be an encouragement to other angel mommies someday, and I pray that the Lord will use this in my life. This will be a journey for my heart.

I never saw its body or even heard its heartbeat, but I have loved our little baby since the moment I found out and will miss it until I meet him or her in Heaven someday. This is a song that has been healing for me to sing and think about. (if you want to hear it, you can scroll down to our playlist and click on Glory Baby) It was written by a women who dealt with the same heartache. I am dedicating it to our little Blueberry...

"Glory Baby"

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you, Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

-Sarah