remembering our angel baby

3 months ago today, November 10, 2010, I found out I had become a member of a larger-than-it-should-be club of angel mommies. Some of you know about this and some don't, but I have been needing to process this "out loud" and felt this was a good and therapeutic way for me to do that. Please bear with me as I try to express my heart about the baby that we have waiting for us on the other side of Heaven...the beautiful workmanship of God that He just needed to be back Home before we got the chance to provide a home here.

At the end of October, very much to our surprise, Parker and I discovered that I was pregnant. My hormones were feeling a bit off so as a fluke, I decided to take a pregnancy test, which came out positive (all 4 tests!) For all reasons this was unexpected, but because it was so, (after we got over the shock of it!), we really believed it must be God's plan since it was not ours yet. Though we definitely want several more children, we were not quite ready yet, since at the time Abigail was still just 10 months old. We got the blood work results from the doctor a few days after we took the test at home, confirming that I was around 8 weeks pregnant. We scheduled the first ultrasound for 2 weeks later, and anxiously awaited seeing our new little one for the first time.

We had planned to go on our first vacation away from Abigail the week after we found out, so kept our plans but decided not to tell anyone (including our parents) about the pregnancy until we got back and had our ultrasound. In the meantime, and on our vacation, we began to dream about what this new little life would be like. Would he have a big personality like Abigail, or would he be a little "quieter"? How would Abigail do being a big sister? What will he look like? How will we fit another person in our house? What will God have planned for his life? When we found out, I read in my pregnancy book that the baby was about the size of a blueberry, so we called it "Blueberry" for the next few weeks.

From the moment you find out you are expecting, you start to dream. You start to make plans in your head and in your heart. You start to feel a connection to this life inside. Having been through pregnancy already, I was already excited for the coming months and days when I would feel the baby move or hiccup inside my belly. I was excited and already planning what I would want the delivery to be like. I couldnt wait for Abigail to understand that she would be a big sister.

We decided to have our parents over the night of the 10th, under the disquise of celebrating Parker's birthday, so we could present the news to them all at once. I had made a onesie for Abigail with iron-on letters that said "Big Sister", and we had planned to change her into it and see how long it took our parents to notice. It is still in her closet, I dont know what to do with it yet.

That morning we had our ultrasound at 10:00. Abigail went with us. We went to the little room with the sono and ultrasound machines and prepared to hear a new little heartbeat. Thats when everything changed. Before the sonographer even started the test, something inside my heart all of the sudden, in one quick instant, knew that it wasnt going to be good. I cant explain it, it was just a heartbreaking instinct. She proceeded, and I looked at the screen so wanting my feeling to be wrong. Then I looked at her face and knew it wasnt. She said she would move it around a little bit more to see if she is missing something, but then just so plainly said to me that this looks like it would not be a "viable" pregnancy, and that she needed to go get the doctor.

On the screen there was a little circle where we should have seen and heard a little flashing heartbeat but it was just empty, still, and quiet. She stepped out and had my Dr come in. He came in and looked at the screen to confirm what we all aleady knew... there was no baby. You could still see the little sac floating around that our little blueberry should've been in. Heartwrenching. My doctor is a Christian man and so offered up some sweet words and a hug, apologized for our loss, and assured me that this was Gods plan. I did not cry in the office but just kindof went numb.

There had been no indication of a miscarriage, no bleeding, no terrible cramping or sickness, so I was shocked. I dont know when this little baby went to be with Jesus. Especially like I said before, this was so unexpected and unplanned that we thought it must've been God, so it made it all the more shocking and disappointing to now wrestle with the question of why and how this happened. I went about the day just kindof in shock. My precious husband stayed home from work to be with me. Abigail went to sleep in the car on the way home from the doctor, so we went and parked at the lake while she slept, to just talk and process and cry. We still had planned for our family to come over but now the night would be very different. Parker made the decision to go ahead and call our moms to tell them that we had been hoping to surprise them that night but instead were dealing with this. Im glad he did that so that our moms knew what was going on...I don't think I could've told them face to face. All I remember from the night was that when my parents were leaving, my mom hugged me and I just sobbed. I don't think I have ever sobbed like that with my parents, at least not as an adult. It didnt last long but it helped tremendously...I guess the emotion of hugging my own mom made me feel better as this bad news had impacted myself as a mom.

The next few days were filled with darkness for me. This can be another post someday, as I am still working through it, but I just recently realized that this affected me so much because I felt like God disappointed me. He knows my heart as a mommy to Abigail and how I have never felt more fulfilled doing anything else, and how all I want to do is raise and love children. I felt like He let me down. I know His ways are higher but I am still learning what that means, and that His ways aren't always comfortable for us. The days were dark also because I was living with the fear of the physical act of miscarrying. I had heard and read traumatic stories about it and was dreading it so much, but the dr wanted me to wait and see if my body would "pass" it naturally. gosh, I can hardly even write that...to have to "pass" what was a baby like it is a kidney stone or something sounds just wrong. (like I said, I am still learning Gods plan for me in this). After 7 days my body still had not done what it shouldve so we went back for another ultrasound to confirm there was still no heartbeat. I had left a tiny window of hope open for a miracle to happen but wasnt surprised to know that nothing had changed. I wanted to get this physcial part overwith. It was seriously weighing on me as I dreaded and feared the miscarrying, in addition to my heart aching. So we decided to schedule a D&C procedure for that Friday, the 19th since my body was not passing it naturally like we had hoped. The surgery went well but I remember waking up out of the anesthesia completely sad. I knew something had been taken from me. Even though it wasnt there before the surgery, it was like a new sense of loss that it was really actually gone now.

The next several weeks and months, and still to this day, have included sadness every day. It has gotton less and less but the hurt still remains. It doesnt overtake me, but it is still a daily thought. We have had friends and family close to us, who have dealt with loss later in pregnancy and even after birth, and my heart breaks for them as they had even more time to dream, to plan, to hope. Loss is a terrible thing, but I am thankful that Parker and I know where our little angel is and that Abigail has a brother or sister waiting for her someday. Thank you for letting me share this story with you. I hope to write more in the coming months about how the Lord is healing my heart from this and about what the Lord is speaking to me through it. I know He will. I want to be an encouragement to other angel mommies someday, and I pray that the Lord will use this in my life. This will be a journey for my heart.

I never saw its body or even heard its heartbeat, but I have loved our little baby since the moment I found out and will miss it until I meet him or her in Heaven someday. This is a song that has been healing for me to sing and think about. (if you want to hear it, you can scroll down to our playlist and click on Glory Baby) It was written by a women who dealt with the same heartache. I am dedicating it to our little Blueberry...

"Glory Baby"

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you, Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

-Sarah