Identity Check

I'm processing a lot in my head and heart right now.

(so bare with me)

A lot about my identity and where it comes from.

And about where it SHOULDN'T come from.

As much as I love being a wife,

it does not define me.

And as much as I love being a mommy,

that does not define me either.

Well, it shouldn't at least.

But, truth is, I let these things define me a lot.

I think I just get caught up in my roles and my day to day...

to the point of where my day-to-day becomes my identity.

Does that make sense?

(if it doesn't, sorry..Im just processing all this)

I'm not saying that these roles

(be it wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend...)

do not ADD value and blessing to my life....

they most certainly do.

But they do not MAKE me valuable.

"Value" is defined as worth, importance, desirability.

I know God is trying to teach me WHERE my identity and value lie.

and it ultimately lies with Him and ONLY Him...

with what He did for me on the Cross, with the power and peace that is available for me now.

THOSE things are what give me worth.

I do not become more valuable to Him by ANYthing I can do, or by any role I have.

It's just not possible.

It's foolish actually, to think that I could do something that would make Him love me more.

Because He is already in love with me.

Who am I?

I am a wife, a mama, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a sister, a friend, a dancer,

a wanna-be-triathlete, a homemaker, a worshipper, a lover of music, a blogger,

an outdoors girl, a new mommy...

the list goes on.

But honestly, I want to be so sure of my place in His heart (my identity),

that were those things, those roles, to be taken away from me...

I would know I am still valuable.

It is, and it will be, a DAILY process to believe this,

and a lot of things go into my ability to live in this knowledge.

{this is a great place for the enemy to enter and attack me with fear}

and I am by no means there yet.

But I DO know that I desire to be okay with my value coming solely from Him,

from who He says I am, and from what He has done in my life.

Can you imagine walking around each day KNOWING that you are important?

KNOWING that you have worth apart from anything you can do?

That's what He gives us y'all.

{linking up here and here}

snow, poop, and peace

yep, we got to play in the snow today!

it was a small winter wonderland here in Oklahoma.

These pictures depict a beautiful day,

playing in the snow with my little girl.

However, it's one of those blog posts where the pictures posted

actually make me feel happier than the actual day did.

Just being real.

When it started snowing last night,

I decided I would keep Abigail home from Mother's Day Out today

so we could have a fun time making snow angels and snuggling indoors

watching movies by the fire.

I was so looking forward to it.

But Abigail's little toddler personality had different plans.

Don't get me wrong, we had *some* wonderful snow-filled moments,

but it was a day that had more whines and battles than smiles and snuggles.

if you have mothered a toddler, you know the days Im talking about.

oh and not to mention my little Bethany (5 weeks now)

seemed to have bad gas all day so she was not the happiest camper.

I'm seriously not trying to complain, my life is blessed.

But today was just one of the harder ones in my job as a mom.

When I finally got Abigail down for a

(much-anticipated-by-her-mother) nap,

I tried my best to get Bethany to calm down and sleep as well.

it took a while but she finally did.

During her screaming, I texted Parker and asked him to pray for me.

We do that a lot during the day with each other, when we are needing some intercession.

But right after I texted him,

I realized something.

I was asking Parker to pray for me (out of desperation),

yet i had not even prayed myself, asking the Lord to help me get through the day.

I think since Bethany was born,

I've been trying to do a lot of things in my own strength...simply just for the reason of making it through the day.

Adjusting to life with one baby was difficult for me,

and adjusting to two is even harder.

God really does give me grace, but I just forget to depend on it.

It's there for me to grab every moment of every day.

But sometimes the loudness of toddler tantrums or newborn cries

blocks out the quietness that I can receive from His strength.

The peace.

oh, how I need that peace, All. The. Time.

And when this (very long) day ended with a complete

"poop disaster" as I like to call it,

(all you need to know is lots of cleaning of

toddler, mommy, and clothing was involved)...

I sighed real big and grunted, and I'm sure my face was not loving and happy.

My soul's battle was revealed and it was evident to my precious daughter.

She sat on her little potty, looked up at me,

and said "sowwy mommy, no mad mommy".

my heart broke.

I'm so sad the heaviness in my heart was so evident to her,

to such an innocent little heart who is just struggling with her independence in toddlerhood.

wow, writing this all out is stirring up a lot in me.

But I guess what Im needing to process out loud right now is what I mentioned earlier...

That there is peace for me to walk in,

every. single. day.

And every single moment of every single day.

And i want it to be evident to Abigail.

It's there, it's real, it's powerful.

it surpasses all understanding.

It surpasses toddler fits and newborn fussies.

and even poop disasters.

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:7

linking up here ...

go be blessed. :)

and

being real about this blog

I'm feeling overwhelmed about this blog lately.

overwhelmed in a good way.

I started this blog as a way to process out loud what the Lord is doing,

how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, etc etc.

and like many of you, I have been so blessed by this blog and the friendships and community it has brought me.

but I feel like something is missing.

I feel like there's more to my story, more to God's story in my life, that needs to be shared.

more truth, more vulnerability, more thinking, more "processing out loud".

I feel like I've played it all a little safe, not just with you, but with myself.

I think God is trying to show me that there is more.

Im not saying that I havent been vulnerable, open, whatever on this blog.

But I think I get discouraged sometimes when I think about what the Lord is putting on my heart, or what I am dealing with emotionally, physically, or spiritually

... because I worry

that it may be TOO much to share. too much truth.

or because I fear judgment or rejection, even from close friends and family.

Now, I will clarify these thoughts and say that I have and will always stick to the conviction that if the Lord has not released me to share about something, then I wont.

if it is something that I believe is to remain between me and Him, then it will remain that way.

I dont want to speak out of turn if you will,

because a lot of times that only does more harm than good.

my desire is to bless, to encourage, to relate, to connect.

but also to be real, as the Lord leads.

Being real.

we all say it. we all want it. we all appreciate it.

but do we do it?

I knew a girl growing up who was abused in a horrific way.

I was one of the first people she told about it,

(in a close and safe setting with people who could help.)

The abuse had led to her hurting herself in a way that was becoming obvious to others.

I was young, but I remember being so hurt for her, so upset that this precious friend was suffering so much.

One of the people there asked her what could help her,

what her friends could do to make things better. (as much as we could).

Her answer: "be real with me".

Such a powerful and surprising request at such a young age.

She said that what hurt so much was that she was tired of saying that she was "fine"

if someone asked how she was doing.

because she wasnt fine.

But because noone else was being real and sharing what was really going on in their hearts and lives, she didnt feel like she could be...

and this led to a long battle within herself.

Im not trying to sit here and say that I don't feel like I can share or be real.

or that I haven't been already.

I just think I have held back a little.

I think there's more to my heart than what I've shared so far.

and its not like every day is going to be some deep blog post.

I still get excited to share crafts, fun topics, recipes (hmm, havent done one of those in a while), pictures, etc. and will keep doing that!

But I guess Im just ready to share more from the depths of me.

Like sharing more about the days Im not just "fine"

or about how being a full time mommy is hard for me some days,

or about how marriage is just hard sometimes,

Or about how fat I feel right now post-baby

or about how I fear losing my babies,

and how I am still sad about the one I did lose.

and not just being real about hard stuff...

but good stuff too that I am reluctant to share sometimes.

Like sharing with you how God healed me supernaturally

(through prayer and deliverance)

several times.

or about the supernatural (not of our doing) ways God had provided for us in our times of need.

All amazing testimonies, but things that I get weird about sharing sometimes because I'm afraid people wont understand and will judge.

I want to give up the fear of judgement or concern from others.

I am who I am...which is who HE made.

and why be real?

because it beings freedom for us to live fully as who God made us.

and it brings freedom to others who may need to hear your story.

I want to look back on this blog

(when I hopefully have it printed someday)

and when I give it to our children, as I plan to do...

I want them to see that I walked in who God made me to be,

putting fear aside.

Because I want them to do the same.

I want them to see that Mommy allowed God to speak and to work

on her heart in the midst of joy and also in the midst of hard days.

The title of this blog is "Racing Towards Joy"

(which needs to be a whole other blog post someday)...

because it is my desire to do this "race" with you,

looking towards the Joy set before us, the wholeness that only the Lord can give.

I want to do life with you,

the pretty and the messy.

linking up here to share our hearts.

Desperate Dependence

{this is a guest post i shared the other day over at

Naptime Diaries...so you may have already read it,

but I felt led to share it again here.}

I gave birth 12 days ago,

to my second baby girl, Bethany.

I love having a brand new little one around again.

There's something so fresh and innocent about newborns

that brings life to my days.

But I totally forgot how needed I would be.

How dependent on me SHE would be.

I was totally slammed with the reality of a little person

being totally dependent on me when I had my first daughter 2 years ago.

It rocked my world.

And somehow I forgot it would be like this all over again.

Don't get me wrong.

I LOVE fulfilling her every need,

responding to her every cry, never putting her down,

feeding her at all hours.

(and this girl eats ALL the time. :) )

It's just that I forgot about the utter dependence of a newborn.

But God has shown me something through her need of me.

My mentor growing up called it

"Daily Desperate Dependence".

This need, this complete reliance on God,

that I MUST HAVE to even survive.

Just like my little baby.

I want to learn this lesson from her...

I want to wake from sleep

(literally and spiritually speaking)

CRYING OUT to Him to come and meet me...

and trusting that He will.

I am thankful for the journey of faith that God has had my little family on

for the last 8 years.

It has been one of desperate dependence...

whether we chose it or not.

Circumstances often required it.

Accounts have been negative, health has declined,

life has been taken, life has been given, changes have occurred.

All things that MADE us desperate

for HIS provision and protection.

And He showed up every. single. time.

Like Bethany is right now,

I desire to be so dependent on my Heavenly Father

that I cannot function daily without Him.

I think part of this dependence comes from remembering

all that He has already done for me.

All the needs He has already met, all the desires He has already fulfilled.

...and to be able to trust Him for even more.

I believe He designed it this way,

He made me His daughter.

He desires to meet my every need.

Because He is GOOD,

and I am desperately needing His goodness in my life,

every. single. day.

linking up for encouragement today over here:

no more justifying

I am blessed. BUT...

I don't always delight in the FACT that God has blessed me,

because I am worried about what other people may think.

About their judgement, their assumptions.

And it makes me feel the need to justify what the Lord has blessed me with.

I want to tell you a story that is very personal,

but the Lord has prompted me to write about it,

and to share (just some) of my thoughts.

In the middle of one of the many times that we

had almost negative in our bank account,

Parker's dad, Steve, passed away very unexpectedly and suddenly.

I was 7 months pregnant with Abigail,

and we were living on supernatural provision from the Lord

and from those God prompted to give.

A week before Steve died, he shared with my mother-in-law

about a dream he had one night.

In the dream, he had bought me a new car for our growing family.

We did not know about this dream until after he died.

In real-life, both Parker and I still drove our cars from high school...

both hard-to-get-into, two-door cars.

We had never complained or asked anyone to help us with a new car,

but our hearts desired a bigger, easier car, to put a new baby in.

When my father-in-law passed away,

we prayed carefully as a family about how to spend the little money he had left behind.

After much prayer and leading, we felt the Lord release us

to buy the car for me and our family..that it would be what Steve would want,

and that it was the Lord's way of fulfilling our hearts desires,

even out of tragedy and loss.

But I could not be fully thankful

for a while, because of this reason . . .

Many friends and family knew the financial position we were in.

That bills were hard to pay, if they got paid at all.

That basic things were luxuries.

So we feared their judgement and assumptions

when we bought my car.

One time, we even parked it down the street for fear of friends judging us.

(I look back on that with such sadness

of the ungratefulness I feel like I showed God.)

The thing is,

we KNEW the Lord had told us to buy this car...

but because of the stronghold of what other people think,

we were unable to give God the credit

for His provision for us.

This certain situation has opened my eyes to the amount of times in my life that,

because of fear of other's acceptance or approval,

I have not been able to fully appreciate or show gratitude for the Lord's

blessings or provisions in my life. Or to give Him the glory He deserves.

I still struggle with a need to justify.

especially with material things.

If I am ever complimented on my clothes, my first response is usually to say

"oh, it was only such-and-such an amount."

or even to explain that certain material things we have were gifts,

unexptected and unasked for.

While those facts may be true,

I think God is really wanting me to know

that IT IS OKAY to relish in the blessings He gives.

and that I am worthy to receive them.

This is just a fragment of the thoughts the Lord is downloading to me

about this matter in my heart.

So I know this will be

a continued conversation with Him,

and with you.

But for now, I DO know that He wants me to be free of shame,

free of fear, free of the need for approval.

And FREE TO RECEIVE.

To recognize exactly where the blessings in my life come from.

and unless he tells me to...

free from the need to explain away His provision.

That's all I know to share for now.

I know there will be more to add on to this subject as my heart is reformed about this,

and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it too.

I am ready to be FULLY THANKFUL...

no justifications needed.

{linking up to share our hearts over here.}

PS: come link up next Wednesday!