being real about this blog

I'm feeling overwhelmed about this blog lately.

overwhelmed in a good way.

I started this blog as a way to process out loud what the Lord is doing,

how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, etc etc.

and like many of you, I have been so blessed by this blog and the friendships and community it has brought me.

but I feel like something is missing.

I feel like there's more to my story, more to God's story in my life, that needs to be shared.

more truth, more vulnerability, more thinking, more "processing out loud".

I feel like I've played it all a little safe, not just with you, but with myself.

I think God is trying to show me that there is more.

Im not saying that I havent been vulnerable, open, whatever on this blog.

But I think I get discouraged sometimes when I think about what the Lord is putting on my heart, or what I am dealing with emotionally, physically, or spiritually

... because I worry

that it may be TOO much to share. too much truth.

or because I fear judgment or rejection, even from close friends and family.

Now, I will clarify these thoughts and say that I have and will always stick to the conviction that if the Lord has not released me to share about something, then I wont.

if it is something that I believe is to remain between me and Him, then it will remain that way.

I dont want to speak out of turn if you will,

because a lot of times that only does more harm than good.

my desire is to bless, to encourage, to relate, to connect.

but also to be real, as the Lord leads.

Being real.

we all say it. we all want it. we all appreciate it.

but do we do it?

I knew a girl growing up who was abused in a horrific way.

I was one of the first people she told about it,

(in a close and safe setting with people who could help.)

The abuse had led to her hurting herself in a way that was becoming obvious to others.

I was young, but I remember being so hurt for her, so upset that this precious friend was suffering so much.

One of the people there asked her what could help her,

what her friends could do to make things better. (as much as we could).

Her answer: "be real with me".

Such a powerful and surprising request at such a young age.

She said that what hurt so much was that she was tired of saying that she was "fine"

if someone asked how she was doing.

because she wasnt fine.

But because noone else was being real and sharing what was really going on in their hearts and lives, she didnt feel like she could be...

and this led to a long battle within herself.

Im not trying to sit here and say that I don't feel like I can share or be real.

or that I haven't been already.

I just think I have held back a little.

I think there's more to my heart than what I've shared so far.

and its not like every day is going to be some deep blog post.

I still get excited to share crafts, fun topics, recipes (hmm, havent done one of those in a while), pictures, etc. and will keep doing that!

But I guess Im just ready to share more from the depths of me.

Like sharing more about the days Im not just "fine"

or about how being a full time mommy is hard for me some days,

or about how marriage is just hard sometimes,

Or about how fat I feel right now post-baby

or about how I fear losing my babies,

and how I am still sad about the one I did lose.

and not just being real about hard stuff...

but good stuff too that I am reluctant to share sometimes.

Like sharing with you how God healed me supernaturally

(through prayer and deliverance)

several times.

or about the supernatural (not of our doing) ways God had provided for us in our times of need.

All amazing testimonies, but things that I get weird about sharing sometimes because I'm afraid people wont understand and will judge.

I want to give up the fear of judgement or concern from others.

I am who I am...which is who HE made.

and why be real?

because it beings freedom for us to live fully as who God made us.

and it brings freedom to others who may need to hear your story.

I want to look back on this blog

(when I hopefully have it printed someday)

and when I give it to our children, as I plan to do...

I want them to see that I walked in who God made me to be,

putting fear aside.

Because I want them to do the same.

I want them to see that Mommy allowed God to speak and to work

on her heart in the midst of joy and also in the midst of hard days.

The title of this blog is "Racing Towards Joy"

(which needs to be a whole other blog post someday)...

because it is my desire to do this "race" with you,

looking towards the Joy set before us, the wholeness that only the Lord can give.

I want to do life with you,

the pretty and the messy.

linking up here to share our hearts.