my trauma

bear with me today, okay?
I need to write this out.

*if you are not in a place emotionally to read about death and about miscarriage, 
please know I speak very openly here. I want you to protect your heart, friend.
And if any of this seems "TMI" to you, just know that all I am doing is sharing 
my stories as He leads me to.*

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One of the dictionary definitions of trauma is:
"an emotional upset".
Another is: 
"a disordered behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress".

we've all had trauma.
of many different kinds, many different stories, with many different effects.

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A week ago, only 10 miles from our house,
Thousands of people underwent severe trauma as the tornado hit Moore.
And they are still dealing with the very fresh trauma of it all.
Perhaps reliving it, or asking the "what-if's".
Even just that part is traumatic. (the thoughts that come after the event)

Seeing the devastation and loss and emotion unfold so close to us last week,
brought up a lot of emotion in me about my own personal traumas
I have endured in the last 4-5 months.

It's been a rough week for me emotionally.
(as I know it has for many...even if you don't live here, 
the images and stories are just heart-wrenching)

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I can look back now and say that,
starting January 5th, when my Dad took a pretty sudden turn for the worse,
the most traumatic months of my life have since happened.
Watching my Dad's health fail day after day,
and to see him leave this earth January 30th, was awful.
Though I know where he is, and Who he is with,
I am still dealing with the trauma I feel in my heart about it all.

I had the hardest conversation I have ever had to have with ANYone
during that time...when I had to speak to my Dad about his wishes for end of life care.
Though it was a conversation I am so thankful happened in the circumstances
(which in itself was a miracle because my dad had been incoherent except for those brief moments)...
I would never wish that conversation on anyone.
Especially on a daughter to her daddy.
I will never forget it, and will always have tears in my eyes when I think about it.
That conversation was very traumatic.

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The nurse coming into the kitchen, where we sat talking about my Dad,
and telling us it was "time", and that we needed to come.
Holding my Daddy's hand and knowing this was "it"...
that He was slipping into a realm I can only imagine and dream of.
I wanted so badly for him to be free of the suffering,
but I wanted so badly to make him stay.
Stepping out for a second to call my husband and tell him.
walking back in to the nurse mouthing to me me
"he's gone".
Seeing my mom holding my Dad's hand as he slipped away.

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2 days after my Dad's funeral, we found out another baby was coming.
We were amazed and shocked and overwhelmed with the gift this felt like,
after losing my Dad just days before.

4 weeks later, I thought I had noticed a stain of blood when I went to the bathroom,
but didn't think much of it.
I went on with the morning as normal.
I dropped my girls off at school and went to the gym.
I stopped by the bathroom to pee before my workout.
Blood poured out of me in that tiny bathroom stall.
I pretty much ran out of the gym, praying so loud in my head that I do still wonder if maybe it was coming out of my mouth too.
Praying for this not to be what i thought it was.
For the baby to be okay.
more trauma.

As you probably know from my blog here,
that sweet baby did go Home to it's Maker that day, March 4th.
It was in my belly for almost 9 weeks.
I was already starting to show a bit.
We hadn't told the world, but we had told close friends and family,
who rejoiced even more so because this was obviously JOY after my Dad's death.
Telling them all that the baby was now with him was terrible.

TWO precious lives were taken from me in a matter of a month.
And two of the most precious dad and my baby.
Talk about feeling traumatized.

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then the grief.
how do you grieve? what stage are you in? are you angry yet?
are you just internalizing? do you need to talk?
I'm here to tell you that grieving is no joke.
It is all very real, and all very different for everyone,
though the same in some weird ways.

Grief in and of itself feels traumatic.
(had anyone else ever felt that way?)

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Here is what I really want to say today.

I don't just write this all out to sound dramatic or to get your sympathies.
I don't write it out to say "oh look at me, look what I've been through..."

I write it out it because it's my story.
It has been my story since January 5th and continues on.
I write it out because in a weird way (see, there goes the grief talking), it helps me.

the main reason I write it out is this....
to share something I have learned in all this incredible, heart breaking trauma in my life:


there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

He has never left me.
He never left my Dad.
He never left my baby.
(in fact He is probably sitting with them both right this very moment)
He has never left my mom.
He has not left the tornado victims.

How can I be so sure?
How can I feel like He is "with" me when I also feel so "traumatized"?

Because I believe His character is good.

I believe He did nothing to hurt me, because He loves me.
But that He will take the hurt I feel and spin it around to be used for good.

I don't have the "why?" answers.
I do ask the questions though, don't get me wrong.
And maybe someday I will hear those answers from Him.

But for now,
in the processing of my trauma,
I am choosing to trust Him.

I NEED those new mercies every morning.
I need to remember His power.
I need to hear His whispers of grace.

and you know what?
each day that I choose to believe Him,
feels less and less traumatic.

(there are weeks like this past one that have obviously brought it all back up, and I imagine that will happen for a long time)

But still...
I rest a little easier with each passing day.

He is BIGGER than the trauma I feel.
He is BIGGER than all the emotions and flashbacks I have.
He just IS.

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if you can't find the "why" today,
or if you are living in your own trauma...
look at His character.
It is good.
God is a good man that loves you deeply.
He WILL see you through.

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thanks for listening yall.
I am sure there will be follow up posts to this,
but I just wanted to share some of my story today.
love yall.

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