tornados and triathlons...and thanks.

Well, most of you know 

(or I have already talked to you about it in some way or another),

that we had some awful tornados here on Friday night.

Pretty scary stuff, not gonna lie.

Everyone is already on high-alert after the tragedy in Moore, so this was a pretty alarming situation for everyone around here. 

We knew storms were brewing but didn't realize they would be coming straight our way...the storm made a crazy turn. You could literally see the radar make a sudden turn and start heading towards us. 

Below is a shot of the tornado starting to come down into Norman...this is from our driveway as we piled in the car to head to a friend's underground shelter.

Within minutes of this picture, it was totally dark and black outside.

Everyone in town was getting the hell outta dodge, so what should've taken us about 3 minutes 

took us 15, in stop start traffic just to go a few miles.

Thankfully we made our decision to head there at the time we did, because we got there in time to get into place.

I hadn't been scared until we were on our way in the car.

Parker kept me calm, and all I knew to do was just pray.

Thankfully, we WERE ok. The tornado missed us, though it was super close,

but we did get about 100 mph winds and a ton of crazy rain and hail.

My girls did great in the shelter and even had a little fun! thank GOD.

Some of you may also know, I had been training for a Triathlon for the past few months,

and it was supposed to be on Saturday.

But the race course was one of the hardest hit areas around, so it got cancelled.

They aren't going to reschedule, so thats a little disappointing,

BUT I feel great and heathy right now, so I am thankful for that at least!

When we picked up our race packets last week...

I was so excited when I got my number:

100!

crazy right?

Well, at least I got a new shirt and a swim cap out of it all.

One thing training for this race did, was remind me how much I love to excercise,

and show me that it really is important to me to be and feel healthy and fit.

It's not about looks or weight.

It just gives me more confidence in everything I do when I am feeling good!

So even though the race didn't happen,

I am so glad I had that goal to work towards, or otherwise Im not sure I would've gotten back into working out so much.

We now have our little routine of going to the gym 4-5 days/week. 

When the girls aren't in school, they come to the kids place at the gym (the YMCA) and they LOVE it!

I am very blessed to have lots of girlfriends here who also go to the Y, so Abigail usually has some friends there when we go. Plus the workers know us well and are amazing with my girls.

So so thankful to have a place like that!

And honestly, even if I'm not "needing" to train or workout, it's a great Mama-break...

A great way to take care of myself, and even just walk while I watch a TV show.

(I usually watch Dr Phil or The View)

The girls have fun and so does Mama! :)

some pics from my training...

I DID get to wear my bike helmet this past weekend, just not in the way I had planned!

(below are pics from preparing and hiding from the tornados)

Anyways,

just wanted to check in and say hey today...

and also give another HUGE thanks to all who prayed for us on Friday night.

My phone was blowing up with all the texts and calls to check on us.

Some people even called my mom in Dallas when you couldn't get a hold of us.

It means a lot that so many people cared and were praying, y'all bless us!

so thankful right now that we weren't hit.

But please don't forget to continue to pray for those who WERE affected, or lost someone.

Though it wasn't as tragic as Moore, the tornados from Friday have already claimed 14 lives

(including a mom and her baby)

and that could still rise. 

Keep our state in your prayers...

Thanks, friends.

a new season!

yards to be mowed, and sunglasses to be worn...

summer's comin y'all.

so excited.

I know this summer will be new and fresh and filled with lots for good stuff for our family.

We move to our new house in just over 2 weeks

(umm...any tips on packing an entire house with two littles running around?! yikes.)

So excited to have a house here to make our own,

can't wait to show y'all pics soon!

Then, Parker and I leave right after that for 6 days.

yes, SIX days, kid-free.

(not like I wont miss my girls, but well, you understand my excitement.

#mamaneedsabreak)
It's some MUCH needed "us" time!

The Splash Pads opened this weekend,

which is where we spend a big chunk of our time in the summer.

Abigail's already chompin at the bit to go...

maybe this week if it's warm enough!

Overall, I feel like the Lord is up to stuff. :)

He has given us several words about this year, about this season,

and I feel like we are seeing a few of them come to fruition right now,

which is so exciting and encouraging.

Especially after a pretty rough few months

(btw, thanks for all the encouraging personal messages from yesterday's post)

We are looking forward to a fresh season 
of life and hope and peace and JOY.

Here's to summer...

my trauma

bear with me today, okay?

I need to write this out.

*if you are not in a place emotionally to read about death and about miscarriage, 

please know I speak very openly here. I want you to protect your heart, friend.

And if any of this seems "TMI" to you, just know that all I am doing is sharing 

my stories as He leads me to.*

- - - - - - - - - -

One of the dictionary definitions of trauma is:

"an emotional upset".

Another is: 

"a disordered behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress".

we've all had trauma.

of many different kinds, many different stories, with many different effects.

- - - - - - - - - -

A week ago, only 10 miles from our house,

Thousands of people underwent severe trauma as the tornado hit Moore.

And they are still dealing with the very fresh trauma of it all.

Perhaps reliving it, or asking the "what-if's".

Even just that part is traumatic. (the thoughts that come after the event)

Seeing the devastation and loss and emotion unfold so close to us last week,

brought up a lot of emotion in me about my own personal traumas

I have endured in the last 4-5 months.

It's been a rough week for me emotionally.

(as I know it has for many...even if you don't live here, 

the images and stories are just heart-wrenching)

- - - - - - - - - -

I can look back now and say that,

starting January 5th, when my Dad took a pretty sudden turn for the worse,

the most traumatic months of my life have since happened.

Watching my Dad's health fail day after day,

and to see him leave this earth January 30th, was awful.

Though I know where he is, and Who he is with,

I am still dealing with the trauma I feel in my heart about it all.

I had the hardest conversation I have ever had to have with ANYone

during that time...when I had to speak to my Dad about his wishes for end of life care.

Though it was a conversation I am so thankful happened in the circumstances

(which in itself was a miracle because my dad had been incoherent except for those brief moments)...

I would never wish that conversation on anyone.

Especially on a daughter to her daddy.

I will never forget it, and will always have tears in my eyes when I think about it.

That conversation was very traumatic.

- - - - - - - - - -

The nurse coming into the kitchen, where we sat talking about my Dad,

and telling us it was "time", and that we needed to come.

Holding my Daddy's hand and knowing this was "it"...

that He was slipping into a realm I can only imagine and dream of.

I wanted so badly for him to be free of the suffering,

but I wanted so badly to make him stay.

Stepping out for a second to call my husband and tell him.

walking back in to the nurse mouthing to me me

"he's gone".

Seeing my mom holding my Dad's hand as he slipped away.

trauma.

- - - - - - - - - -

2 days after my Dad's funeral, we found out another baby was coming.

We were amazed and shocked and overwhelmed with the gift this felt like,

after losing my Dad just days before.

4 weeks later, I thought I had noticed a stain of blood when I went to the bathroom,
but didn't think much of it.

I went on with the morning as normal.

I dropped my girls off at school and went to the gym.

I stopped by the bathroom to pee before my workout.

Blood poured out of me in that tiny bathroom stall.

I pretty much ran out of the gym, praying so loud in my head that I do still wonder if maybe it was coming out of my mouth too.

Praying for this not to be what i thought it was.

For the baby to be okay.

more trauma.

As you probably know from my blog here,

that sweet baby did go Home to it's Maker that day, March 4th.

It was in my belly for almost 9 weeks.

I was already starting to show a bit.

We hadn't told the world, but we had told close friends and family,

who rejoiced even more so because this was obviously JOY after my Dad's death.

Telling them all that the baby was now with him was terrible.

TWO precious lives were taken from me in a matter of a month.

And two of the most precious ones...my dad and my baby.

Talk about feeling traumatized.

- - - - - - - - - -

then the grief.

how do you grieve? what stage are you in? are you angry yet?

are you just internalizing? do you need to talk?

omg.

I'm here to tell you that grieving is no joke.

It is all very real, and all very different for everyone,

though the same in some weird ways.

Grief in and of itself feels traumatic.

(had anyone else ever felt that way?)

- - - - - - - - - -

Here is what I really want to say today.

I don't just write this all out to sound dramatic or to get your sympathies.

I don't write it out to say "oh look at me, look what I've been through..."

I write it out it because it's my story.

It has been my story since January 5th and continues on.

I write it out because in a weird way (see, there goes the grief talking), it helps me.

BUT

the main reason I write it out is this....

to share something I have learned in all this incredible, heart breaking trauma in my life:

GOD IS STILL GOOD IN THE MIDST OF MY TRAUMA.

there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

He has never left me.

He never left my Dad.

He never left my baby.

(in fact He is probably sitting with them both right this very moment)

He has never left my mom.

He has not left the tornado victims.

How can I be so sure?

How can I feel like He is "with" me when I also feel so "traumatized"?

Because I believe His character is good.

I believe He did nothing to hurt me, because He loves me.

But that He will take the hurt I feel and spin it around to be used for good.

I don't have the "why?" answers.

I do ask the questions though, don't get me wrong.

And maybe someday I will hear those answers from Him.

But for now,

in the processing of my trauma,

I am choosing to trust Him.

I NEED those new mercies every morning.

badly!

I need to remember His power.

I need to hear His whispers of grace.

and you know what?

each day that I choose to believe Him,

feels less and less traumatic.

(there are weeks like this past one that have obviously brought it all back up, and I imagine that will happen for a long time)

But still...

I rest a little easier with each passing day.

He is BIGGER than the trauma I feel.

He is BIGGER than all the emotions and flashbacks I have.

He just IS.

- - - - - - - - - -

if you can't find the "why" today,

or if you are living in your own trauma...

look at His character.

It is good.

God is a good man that loves you deeply.

He WILL see you through.

- - - - - - - - - -

thanks for listening yall.

I am sure there will be follow up posts to this,

but I just wanted to share some of my story today.

love yall.

not unnoticed.

really, there aren't words I know how to express,

to say thank you to those who have served, and to those who have not returned home.

All to protect my freedoms.

I am indebted and thankful.

I also am thankful for those who have lost a loved one fighting for our country.

To our military and military families...

All of your sacrifices do not go unnoticed.

thank you.

no words.

As we hunkered down and took shelter yesterday here in Oklahoma, 

we had NO idea what was happening just 10 miles from our home.

(literally, its so close...my hair salon was there, and its where Abigail takes ballet)

By now, you have most likely seen the horrific images and heard of the rising death toll, which is still unknown.

No words to share right now really.

Just pray.

a prayer my husband wrote last night...

Father,

My heart is absolutely broken. Destruction and death has come for so many.  Just a few hours ago and only nine miles from my home fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, friends and worst of all children were taken from this earth in an instant.  How devastating and life altering.  You know full well what it’s like to watch life taken and the unimaginable pain that one walks through in dealing with that.  I ask you Lord to bring unending comfort to the ones who are left devastated and without a loved one tonight.  As our Maker and Creator, only you can bring and create life in the midst of death; please bring that life to ones who need it.  I pray for those who are weeping at this very minute.  You promised those who sow in tears will reap in joy; I ask that joy would come quickly to those that are sowing tonight.  Thank you Father that you hear me.  Thank you that you long to answer my prayers and the prayers of the saints that are being spoken. 

I ask you in the name of your Son, Jesus.  

Amen.