my trauma

bear with me today, okay?

I need to write this out.

*if you are not in a place emotionally to read about death and about miscarriage, 

please know I speak very openly here. I want you to protect your heart, friend.

And if any of this seems "TMI" to you, just know that all I am doing is sharing 

my stories as He leads me to.*

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One of the dictionary definitions of trauma is:

"an emotional upset".

Another is: 

"a disordered behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress".

we've all had trauma.

of many different kinds, many different stories, with many different effects.

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A week ago, only 10 miles from our house,

Thousands of people underwent severe trauma as the tornado hit Moore.

And they are still dealing with the very fresh trauma of it all.

Perhaps reliving it, or asking the "what-if's".

Even just that part is traumatic. (the thoughts that come after the event)

Seeing the devastation and loss and emotion unfold so close to us last week,

brought up a lot of emotion in me about my own personal traumas

I have endured in the last 4-5 months.

It's been a rough week for me emotionally.

(as I know it has for many...even if you don't live here, 

the images and stories are just heart-wrenching)

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I can look back now and say that,

starting January 5th, when my Dad took a pretty sudden turn for the worse,

the most traumatic months of my life have since happened.

Watching my Dad's health fail day after day,

and to see him leave this earth January 30th, was awful.

Though I know where he is, and Who he is with,

I am still dealing with the trauma I feel in my heart about it all.

I had the hardest conversation I have ever had to have with ANYone

during that time...when I had to speak to my Dad about his wishes for end of life care.

Though it was a conversation I am so thankful happened in the circumstances

(which in itself was a miracle because my dad had been incoherent except for those brief moments)...

I would never wish that conversation on anyone.

Especially on a daughter to her daddy.

I will never forget it, and will always have tears in my eyes when I think about it.

That conversation was very traumatic.

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The nurse coming into the kitchen, where we sat talking about my Dad,

and telling us it was "time", and that we needed to come.

Holding my Daddy's hand and knowing this was "it"...

that He was slipping into a realm I can only imagine and dream of.

I wanted so badly for him to be free of the suffering,

but I wanted so badly to make him stay.

Stepping out for a second to call my husband and tell him.

walking back in to the nurse mouthing to me me

"he's gone".

Seeing my mom holding my Dad's hand as he slipped away.

trauma.

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2 days after my Dad's funeral, we found out another baby was coming.

We were amazed and shocked and overwhelmed with the gift this felt like,

after losing my Dad just days before.

4 weeks later, I thought I had noticed a stain of blood when I went to the bathroom,
but didn't think much of it.

I went on with the morning as normal.

I dropped my girls off at school and went to the gym.

I stopped by the bathroom to pee before my workout.

Blood poured out of me in that tiny bathroom stall.

I pretty much ran out of the gym, praying so loud in my head that I do still wonder if maybe it was coming out of my mouth too.

Praying for this not to be what i thought it was.

For the baby to be okay.

more trauma.

As you probably know from my blog here,

that sweet baby did go Home to it's Maker that day, March 4th.

It was in my belly for almost 9 weeks.

I was already starting to show a bit.

We hadn't told the world, but we had told close friends and family,

who rejoiced even more so because this was obviously JOY after my Dad's death.

Telling them all that the baby was now with him was terrible.

TWO precious lives were taken from me in a matter of a month.

And two of the most precious ones...my dad and my baby.

Talk about feeling traumatized.

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then the grief.

how do you grieve? what stage are you in? are you angry yet?

are you just internalizing? do you need to talk?

omg.

I'm here to tell you that grieving is no joke.

It is all very real, and all very different for everyone,

though the same in some weird ways.

Grief in and of itself feels traumatic.

(had anyone else ever felt that way?)

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Here is what I really want to say today.

I don't just write this all out to sound dramatic or to get your sympathies.

I don't write it out to say "oh look at me, look what I've been through..."

I write it out it because it's my story.

It has been my story since January 5th and continues on.

I write it out because in a weird way (see, there goes the grief talking), it helps me.

BUT

the main reason I write it out is this....

to share something I have learned in all this incredible, heart breaking trauma in my life:

GOD IS STILL GOOD IN THE MIDST OF MY TRAUMA.

there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

He has never left me.

He never left my Dad.

He never left my baby.

(in fact He is probably sitting with them both right this very moment)

He has never left my mom.

He has not left the tornado victims.

How can I be so sure?

How can I feel like He is "with" me when I also feel so "traumatized"?

Because I believe His character is good.

I believe He did nothing to hurt me, because He loves me.

But that He will take the hurt I feel and spin it around to be used for good.

I don't have the "why?" answers.

I do ask the questions though, don't get me wrong.

And maybe someday I will hear those answers from Him.

But for now,

in the processing of my trauma,

I am choosing to trust Him.

I NEED those new mercies every morning.

badly!

I need to remember His power.

I need to hear His whispers of grace.

and you know what?

each day that I choose to believe Him,

feels less and less traumatic.

(there are weeks like this past one that have obviously brought it all back up, and I imagine that will happen for a long time)

But still...

I rest a little easier with each passing day.

He is BIGGER than the trauma I feel.

He is BIGGER than all the emotions and flashbacks I have.

He just IS.

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if you can't find the "why" today,

or if you are living in your own trauma...

look at His character.

It is good.

God is a good man that loves you deeply.

He WILL see you through.

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thanks for listening yall.

I am sure there will be follow up posts to this,

but I just wanted to share some of my story today.

love yall.

not unnoticed.

really, there aren't words I know how to express,

to say thank you to those who have served, and to those who have not returned home.

All to protect my freedoms.

I am indebted and thankful.

I also am thankful for those who have lost a loved one fighting for our country.

To our military and military families...

All of your sacrifices do not go unnoticed.

thank you.

no words.

As we hunkered down and took shelter yesterday here in Oklahoma, 

we had NO idea what was happening just 10 miles from our home.

(literally, its so close...my hair salon was there, and its where Abigail takes ballet)

By now, you have most likely seen the horrific images and heard of the rising death toll, which is still unknown.

No words to share right now really.

Just pray.

a prayer my husband wrote last night...

Father,

My heart is absolutely broken. Destruction and death has come for so many.  Just a few hours ago and only nine miles from my home fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, friends and worst of all children were taken from this earth in an instant.  How devastating and life altering.  You know full well what it’s like to watch life taken and the unimaginable pain that one walks through in dealing with that.  I ask you Lord to bring unending comfort to the ones who are left devastated and without a loved one tonight.  As our Maker and Creator, only you can bring and create life in the midst of death; please bring that life to ones who need it.  I pray for those who are weeping at this very minute.  You promised those who sow in tears will reap in joy; I ask that joy would come quickly to those that are sowing tonight.  Thank you Father that you hear me.  Thank you that you long to answer my prayers and the prayers of the saints that are being spoken. 

I ask you in the name of your Son, Jesus.  

Amen.

{fresh motivation}: Rise and Shine - best fitness motivation ever.

-Day 3 of my "fresh motivation" series-

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I've been watching this video almost daily.
It is awesome motivation for my fitness, health, and training goals.
On mornings I don't want to get up and do it...
this helps, for real.

Abigail loves it too.  She asks "can we watch Rise and Shine?!",
and will then take off running around our house - ha!

do you have some fitness goals?
weight to lose?
health to gain?
a race to train for?

then watch this.
over and over and over again.
every morning if you have to.



so when do you want to meet me at the gym?!
haha!
No but really, doesn't that make you want to move?
To throw away all those voices in your head that tell you you can't do it, for whatever reason?

my fresh motivation take-away:
just do it.
(it WAS a Nike commercial)
Put away the FEAR and self-doubt that i can't do it.
Build up to where I want and need to be.
Push through the lack of confidence.
It WILL be worth it.
it just will be.
JT music playing in my ears usually helps me move during a workout... :)
but when I hit that wall, I am motivated to do all that this video talks about.
and really...
losing an hour of sleep to meet my goals is going to be ok.
and worth it.

so Rise and Shine, y'all.

{fresh motivation}: "What the hell is water?"

Day 2 in my "fresh motivation" series.
(check out day 1 here, to enter an amazing giveaway
and spread love to Uganda)

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today?
watch this.
it'll be worth your time, I promise.
(and a word to the SAHM's, don't stop watching this when it starts talking about the 9-5 white collar worker.
Though that may not be you...
you (we) still have our OWN daily grind.
so just apply it to you.

good, right?
not my typical motivational thing,
and while I don't totally agree with every single word he said,
I thought this was mind-opening and thought-provoking.

so, my fresh motivation take-away?
CHOOSE to think differently, so as to not be pushed into the "default" thinking I can easily slip into in my daily grind.
don't judge.
Remember we most likely have NO idea what the other person's story is.
(I've actually written about this before...
about stepping back to consider someone's story before judging)

Wouldn't we want other people to consider US instead of using the default frustration?
Honestly just today, I had a little meltdown in my car, missing my Dad.
I passed an ambulance with paramedics taking a stretcher into a house,
and the memory of that with my Dad just 4 months ago came flooding back.
So as the tears came, my driving slowed, and I got passed by several cars.
Now, I'm not saying those people judged or were frustrated with me for suddenly driving slow,
but it wouldn't surprise me...
because I have been that driver that's been frustrated.

no more y'all.

It doesnt take a lot to CONSIDER someone else's situation.

- - - - - - - - - -

some great lines from this:

"the most obvious important realities are often the ones
that are hardest to see and talk about".

"it is my natural default setting...when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world and that MY immediate needs are what should determine the world's priorities..."

"the thing is, there are totally different ways to think about these kinds of situations."

"it's hard. It takes will and effort"

"If you really learn how to think, how to pay attention, then you will know you have other options..."

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Did this move you at all?
I'd love to hear how!