ten years of marriage...& why we still fail.

I can hardly believe it.
Seems like yesterday, but also like forever ago.
TEN years ago today...I married my love.

During our ceremony, and as we walked out of the church as a married couple,
we worshipped to the song,
"Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman.
The main words of the song say
"You give and take away...Lord BLESSED be Your name!"

We had no idea how prophetic that song would be,
and how we would so need to hold onto the truth of it, throughout our journey of marriage.

As lots of people know, especially people we have walked in life with for a long time...

our road has not been an easy one, from Day 1.

I've blogged about this some before, but we have seen a large share of hard times...

many older wiser people have even told us it's been more than most couples endure in a lifetime.

Lots of sickness (including some serious diagnoses), 

broken finances (literally negative in our bank account), 

more deaths than most young people deal with,

(including both of our dads' sudden deaths, and now three babies),

and a never ending battle against the enemy to rob us of our love for each other 

as we muddle through all the hard stuff.

We have had moments where we want to call it all off.

Moments where it feels like we are drowning and can't even rescue ourselves, 

much less each other.

Our hearts shouting out "God we can't take this anymore! Enough!"

And our hearts longing to love each other like we know we can,

without the trappings of stress and despair from all the hard stuff.

But what God has taught IS teaching us...

We. Are. Right.

we CAN'T do this on our own.

noone can.

enough IS enough.

We cannot find our way through the covenant of marriage and love,

and the commitment to EVERY season of life with each other...

if we don't rely on the One who orchestrates it all.

oh, and by the way, He is the one who brought us together in the first place!

So no, we cannot make it on our own.

We fail.

But HE doesn't.

Because He loves us, and He loves our marriage.

He loves the union we vowed to each other.

He loves that we need Him to make to make it work.

He loves to be a part of our journey.

And not because He is a selfish, self-serving God....

but because He is our Maker, he makes life.

He creates. He is the one who showed us true love first.

And so He desires that for us.

So we look to Him, so that we don't fail.

We don't have a choice.

He has proven to us that HE alone is our

Provider, Protector, Healer, Friend, Strength, Comforter and Guide.

So yes, we fail in our marriage when we forget those things.

When we forget to rely on Him as the third person in our marriage.

But when we do remember?

(and it is a daily surrender, yall, just like it should be.)

It is BEAUTIFUL.

Now before you go assuming that I am just focusing on all the bad stuff,

let me tell you...

this ride for the last 10 years HAS been beautiful.

I have grown into a person I never knew I could be.

I have witnessed Parker be trained up in things we never imagined for his life,

for the Kingdom.

I have seen us pull together through some of the hardest moments, days, and month of our lives.

And though some days have been pretty messy...it's been a beautiful mess.

And to learn a dependence on the Lord like I never knew I needed.
THAT is beautiful.
So so thankful for a man who points me to Jesus.

Not to mention we have two precious gorgeous little girls,

all because we said "I do." ten years ago.

They were but a twinkle in our eye back then.

what joy now. What Joy!

Just like the young, wrinkle-free, 20-year old face you see here has changed a lot...
my heart has too.
My heart knows more than ever, that after 10 years of marriage,
God chose an amazing man for me to do life with.
I had NO idea what all we would go through,
but I wouldn't have wanted to do it with anyone else by my side.

Driving away with him that night, as his new bride...
best drive of my life.

I would do it all over again.
ALL of it.
Because I see God's love in our marriage...
in the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.
God is good.
And the next 10 are gonna be good too. :)



I love you, Parker.
Happy 10 years baby.

1. - 11. (lately)

So much going on lately.

Thought Id catch up a little here today while I am mulling over lots...and I mean LOTS...

that God is stirring in my heart. 

So much to say.

but for today...we count. :)

1. this past weekend we went home to Dallas, and got to be loved on and poured into by our spiritual family and close friends. So so needed in this season of our life. 

We are so lucky to have them, and miss them tons. 

(those are some of our closest friends, John and Cindy)

2. a random but fun pic of Abigail and I playing Candyland for the first time...

I felt like it was kindof a childhood milestone!

3. my mom always knows the best comfort foods for me when I need them.

You can't really tell, but here is Pumpkin Pound Cake, cheese bites, and my favorite pasta salad from a little place in Dallas. and yes, I am eating them all together at like midnight.

thanks, mom. :)

4. our brave girl waiting for her appointment at Scottish Rite.

This was  a big deal and part of the reason we went to Dallas. 

She has been "toe-walking" for a long time, so she was evaluated by the best specialists and they found no need for foot braces or surgery just yet, which is a huge praise! 

Now we just pray that it will correct itself over time.

5. last week, before we went to Dallas, 3/4 of us got the tummy bug.

This is me and B in the middle of night 1 of her throwing up all night.

that was real fun.

But we all got over it really quick!

6. this was MY day of the tummy bug.

I basically laid in Abigail's room all day while they played.

I was so thankful for our combined playroom/bedroom!

7. an exhausted Bethany during our trip to Dallas.

She knows how to play hard on vacay. :)

8. this. THIS we call the "beer shade".

On the way to Dallas Abigail was crying from the sun in her eyes, but wouldn't let us roll her blanket up in the window...so my resourceful hubby pulled apart an empty beer box from the back of his car (it had been there from going to a golf game the day before), 

and used it as a window shade.

ghett. o.

but hey, it worked.

9. back to norman = heat = splash pad!

10. soaking in some rays at the splash pad.

11. nice to be back home and read books with Dada before bedtime.

I love these three with all my heart.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hope y'all have a good day today...

Guess what? Friday is our 10 year anniversary!

that's right, TEN years.

and yes, I did get married young! (everyone always says that, ha)

I'll be posting a, well, different kind of anniversary post that day, 

I'd love for you to come back for it to hear my heart about marriage.

Y'all have a great rest of the week!

the Holy Spirit...all dressed up in a cloud.

"Then the cloud covered the Tabernacle, and the glory of the Lord filled the Tabernacle.
Moses could no longer enter the Tabernacle because the cloud had settled down over it, 
and the glory of the Lord filled it.

Now, whenever the cloud lifted from the Tabernacle, the people of Israel 
would set out on their journey, following it.
But if the cloud did not rise, they remained where they were until it lifted.
The cloud of the Lord hovered over the Tabernacle during the day, and at night fire glowed 
inside the cloud so the whole family of Israel could see it.
This continued throughout all their journeys."

Exodus 40:34-38

If you just skipped over reading that because it is a Bible verse, please, go back and read it.
I don't post scripture too much on here, (and not for any reason, I just don't a lot)
but I want you to read that verse very thoughtfully.
It is powerful, y'all.




I took these pictures on my way home from a doctor's appointment recently.

- - - - - - - - -

On the way home from this drive, I was living in great discouragement and fear and anxiety and well, you name it...
If it was not believing God, then I was hearing it.

Then Abigail started talking about the clouds.
She actually is the one who asked me to take a picture.
And once I did, I couldn't stop.
I even pulled over a few times to take these with my phone.
They were breathtaking to me.
Between a stormy morning and more predicted storms to come,
they were these beauty-packed fluffy works of art just floating there in the sky.
ALL around us, literally in every direction we could see.




And then, in the midst of my stubborn agnst,
a peace settled over me.
a peace like the kind of peace where it feels like you can't move.
And I knew that the Lord's presence was thick with me in that car.

He used those clouds to remind me.
To show Himself.
It wasn't the cliche "Look at the clouds, God is so big!" kind of revelation.
It was the kind of revelation and reminder that
HE WAS WITH ME.
His Holy Spirit, MY COMFORTER, was with me.

And that wherever I am...He will be with me.
And I want to be with Him.
That He won't leave.

Just like the Holy Spirit, all dressed up in a cloud,
led the people of Israel in the scripture above.



I come away from this moment, these pictures, with a fresh desire to look at the Holy Spirit around me
To TRUST Him, to know Him.

To see His Spirit moving and to see when it stops in a certain place in my heart.
Maybe a place I need to feel Him most, to be comforted by Him most, to be taught my Him most.

To know when I need to rest and when to move.
To know when to stop and when to go.
To know that I can ALWAYS believe Him.
To LET HIM BE the Comforter that He is.

Because I need it badly right now.
His comfort is my strength, and many days lately...I have been pretty weak.
So I need the comfort. I need the cloud.
I need His Spirit.




"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you.
He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth.
...I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart.
And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.
So do not be troubled or afraid."
John 14:16, 27

- - - - - - - - - - 

Look for His comfort today.
And it might even be worth taking a few pictures of, at least in your heart.
Find it. It WILL bring you strength.
And I believe it might bring you some needed Hope today too.
His Spirit is your advocate and peace in times of trouble and worry.
We need that peace.
I know I need some.
Bring it, Lord.
Holy Spirit, MOVE...and show us how to move with you.

bikes and scooters = life

The days my be long (and hot), 

and there may be some tear-filled nights during this uncertain and tough season of loss...

but watching the life these two girls have

 gives LIFE to me.

so blessed by a sweet little street and precious neighbors to play with each day.

bikes and scooters and inflatable pools...

it's the little things these days. :)

Hope y'all have a great day and weekend!

another baby born into Heaven...

With great sadness, but also great hope in the knowledge of who our Maker is,
I want to share with you...
Our little family in Heaven just welcomed another precious baby into it's arms.

July 7th, 2013 I began the process of losing our new little one,
and on July 10th, now one of the hardest days of my life,
I "delivered" (I refuse to say passed)
our sweet angel after a physically and emotionally painful labor.
I was only 10 1/2 weeks.

We hadn't told many people yet that we were once again expecting.
We had been thrilled, especially after just losing a baby in March.
I had been cautiously hopeful that this one would turn out differently.

We got to see our precious one (above) at just over 9 weeks,
heard it's heartbeat, and saw it's tiny arms that were forming.
We even saw it roll around a bit and laughed about having another very active child on our hands!
Though some would say it makes it even more painful to have seen the baby before a loss...
I am so, so grateful we did.
It is an image and sound that will remain forever in it's mama's heart.

(this was me already showing at around 9 weeks, on our trip to Idaho)

I may share the details another day, of the short life and loss of our baby,
but for now we would covet your prayers.
Prayers as we grieve yet another loss.
(this is our family's 5th loss in less than a year...both our grandmoms, my dad, and now 2 babies)

At times it just seems TOO much.
So much that I want to cry or yell, but all I can muster is to just be still and quiet.
Maybe that's God's grace, I don't know.
But what I do know is that I am weary.
I am weary from the emotional (and also physical) trauma of all this.
I am weary that it all seems so out of control and unpredictable.
Weary from the anxiety and wondering.
Weary from the sadness.
Weary thinking about the fact I now have 3 babies that I can't hold yet.

(this is at the hospital the day I started miscarrying)

BUT,
in all the weariness, God has shown His love.
Through friends taking me to get pedicures,
through beautiful flowers and gifts arriving at my doorstep,
through precious friends and neighbors bringing meals,
through our moms coming to help and stay,
through lots of cuddles with my girls,
and of course a little wine hasn't been a bad thing.
oh, and I dyed my hair brown.
I just needed to feel different, you know?
new.

Thanks to all who have prayed and continue to pray.

At some point I may share more...
(and sorry to be vague right now)
but as a result of this lost pregnancy, my own health has been affected in some negative ways.
I am having to be monitored closely through bloodwork,
and our prayer is that the Lord would HEAL.
That He would cause all worry to flee and all disease to be hindered.
I believe He can and will.
I DO have hope in the midst of sadness.

a precious friend who has also lost a baby, left me this poem on my doorstep.
it is perfect.

- - - - - - - - - -

I slept securely in the shelter of the womb,
Perfectly protected in my very special room.
Only Jesus knew me, I was yet unborn.
That sorrowful day, your heart was torn.
You were left with only baby things,
I was carried away on angel's wings.
Taken to a far better place,
Secure in the comfort of Jesus' embrace.
babes born in Heaven are bountifully blessed,
for they've only ever known the best.
Their lullabies sweet angels sing,
in the palace nursery of the King.
Here you grow up, but you never grow old.
It's warm and comfy, but never cold.
Heaven's playgrounds are always safe
for even the tiniest waif.

I laugh and I sing and have playmates too.
And JESUS TELLS ME ALL ABOUT YOU.
I've met Great Grandma and Grandpa too,
we're all waiting to welcome you.
Jesus will wipe away every tear,
the purpose for everything will be clear.
There'll be no more death, sadness or pain,
Only joy, contentment, and peace here reign..
Though, for a moment, life seems unfair,
Eternity will be proof of his care.
What you've given up, for which you grieve,
Can't compare to that which you'll recieve.
Your child born and raised in Heaven.
One day, by the Father, you'll be given.

I love you sweet one.
I cannot wait to hold you one day.
love, Mama