another baby born into Heaven...

With great sadness, but also great hope in the knowledge of who our Maker is,
I want to share with you...
Our little family in Heaven just welcomed another precious baby into it's arms.

July 7th, 2013 I began the process of losing our new little one,
and on July 10th, now one of the hardest days of my life,
I "delivered" (I refuse to say passed)
our sweet angel after a physically and emotionally painful labor.
I was only 10 1/2 weeks.

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We hadn't told many people yet that we were once again expecting.
We had been thrilled, especially after just losing a baby in March.
I had been cautiously hopeful that this one would turn out differently.

We got to see our precious one (above) at just over 9 weeks,
heard it's heartbeat, and saw it's tiny arms that were forming.
We even saw it roll around a bit and laughed about having another very active child on our hands!
Though some would say it makes it even more painful to have seen the baby before a loss...
I am so, so grateful we did.
It is an image and sound that will remain forever in it's mama's heart.

(this was me already showing at around 9 weeks, on our trip to Idaho)
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I may share the details another day, of the short life and loss of our baby,
but for now we would covet your prayers.
Prayers as we grieve yet another loss.
(this is our family's 5th loss in less than a year...both our grandmoms, my dad, and now 2 babies)

At times it just seems TOO much.
So much that I want to cry or yell, but all I can muster is to just be still and quiet.
Maybe that's God's grace, I don't know.
But what I do know is that I am weary.
I am weary from the emotional (and also physical) trauma of all this.
I am weary that it all seems so out of control and unpredictable.
Weary from the anxiety and wondering.
Weary from the sadness.
Weary thinking about the fact I now have 3 babies that I can't hold yet.

(this is at the hospital the day I started miscarrying)
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in all the weariness, God has shown His love.
Through friends taking me to get pedicures,
through beautiful flowers and gifts arriving at my doorstep,
through precious friends and neighbors bringing meals,
through our moms coming to help and stay,
through lots of cuddles with my girls,
and of course a little wine hasn't been a bad thing.
oh, and I dyed my hair brown.
I just needed to feel different, you know?

Thanks to all who have prayed and continue to pray.

At some point I may share more...
(and sorry to be vague right now)
but as a result of this lost pregnancy, my own health has been affected in some negative ways.
I am having to be monitored closely through bloodwork,
and our prayer is that the Lord would HEAL.
That He would cause all worry to flee and all disease to be hindered.
I believe He can and will.
I DO have hope in the midst of sadness.

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a precious friend who has also lost a baby, left me this poem on my doorstep.
it is perfect.

- - - - - - - - - -

I slept securely in the shelter of the womb,
Perfectly protected in my very special room.
Only Jesus knew me, I was yet unborn.
That sorrowful day, your heart was torn.
You were left with only baby things,
I was carried away on angel's wings.
Taken to a far better place,
Secure in the comfort of Jesus' embrace.
babes born in Heaven are bountifully blessed,
for they've only ever known the best.
Their lullabies sweet angels sing,
in the palace nursery of the King.
Here you grow up, but you never grow old.
It's warm and comfy, but never cold.
Heaven's playgrounds are always safe
for even the tiniest waif.

I laugh and I sing and have playmates too.
I've met Great Grandma and Grandpa too,
we're all waiting to welcome you.
Jesus will wipe away every tear,
the purpose for everything will be clear.
There'll be no more death, sadness or pain,
Only joy, contentment, and peace here reign..
Though, for a moment, life seems unfair,
Eternity will be proof of his care.
What you've given up, for which you grieve,
Can't compare to that which you'll recieve.
Your child born and raised in Heaven.
One day, by the Father, you'll be given.

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I love you sweet one.
I cannot wait to hold you one day.
love, Mama

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