the waves of my grief

In the trenches of grief is where I have found myself many times in these last 11 days
since losing my dad.

At least for this season of grief for me, it comes out of nowhere, and in different ways.
Like a wave that you did not see coming that sweeps you off your feet for a moment.



It usually gets me most when I am driving. Or in the shower.
Those two places have always been the places where I process things emotionally.
So it's not been a surprise to me that while driving home from grocery shopping, or driving the girls to school, or taking a shower in the morning... the tears just start flowing out of nowhere.

Yesterday, i was on my way home from getting groceries with the girls, and the wave that hit me was a little different...it was more like a shock, rather than a sadness. Almost as if I had just been told that my Dad had died suddenly.
I found myself just saying "oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh" over and over.

The tears came a few minutes later... they flowed a little.
I probably could have sobbed to be honest, but I had the girls with me and didn't want to.
(learning how to grieve in front of little ones is going to be a whole new avenue of parenting I will learn. I have cried in front of Abigail more than a few times though all this...and she understands why. And I think thats good. But I also feel a responsibility to guard her little heart from too much sadness.)

Then the wave passed and I was okay, and got distracted by the things needed my attention...the groceries to unload, the diaper to change, the scraped chin that needed a Hello Kitty bandaid.

But then naptime came a few hours later, and the house was quiet. I really actually like quiet..I always have appreciated it. (even before I was a mother). I ate a little snack, and did a little laundry.
But I only got halfway through putting clean clothes away when another wave hit me.

This time it wasn't tears or shock..it was just an exhaustion that hit me.
Now, while I do have other things that would constitute me feeling so tired,
it's a different kind of tired that I cannot really explain.
It's a tired that I felt after we lost Parker's Dad, and after my miscarriage.
Not really where I want to go to sleep, but just that I have absolutely no energy to do one more thing.
I just have to sit.

And speaking of sleep. It's been really really hard for me.
My dreams are filled with dreams of my Dad's funeral, his last days, and the fear of experiencing other losses in my life.  I honestly have been dreading sleep this whole week.
I just got some over the counter sleeping medicine that the dr said I could take during this time in my life, so I am hopeful that will help.

I don't really know why I am sharing all this, except that maybe I did it during another "wave".
I grabbed the computer and started to write it out a little. That helps me.

I am honestly starting to not like the word "grief"...but I think that's probably just because I have heard it a lot in the last few weeks, and maybe even because of a little denial on my part that this is what I am going through right now.

Maybe you have been though loss, or are in the midst of grieving right now...I would love your thoughts or encouragement about this fresh stage of grief. I know there are the psychological "stages of grief", but I also know it is different for everyone.

So I am trying to give myself grace and space to do what I need to do, and feel what i need to feel.
I told Parker that I kindof wish I could just take a few days and do nothing but cry and get it all overwith. But I know that's not how this works. And I don't want it to, really.

Because losing my Dad will always, always be a hard thing for me. I will always miss him.

But I want to end with this...at the end of the day, at the end of all my crazy waves...

The one thing i DO know is that God is good.
And that my Dad is experiencing that goodness in ways I can only imagine.
And that I will see him again someday.
And that while I would give anything for him to still be here with us, I wouldn't ever take him away from the sweetness he is having in Heaven with Jesus right now.

So I will continue in the waves, and trust that God is holding me.

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thanks for being sweet friends to let me process this here...thanks for listening.

tents have been folded.

Someone called and read me this verse in the middle of my Dad's sickness.
It brought me much comfort, and continues to, knowing that the Lord was indeed folding my Dad's tent and putting it away...
but it has now been traded for a heavenly body.
A perfect, healthy, thriving, resurrection body.
Praise Jesus.

- - - - - - - - - -

"For we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven - God-made, not handmade - and we will never have to relocate our "tents" again.

Sometimes we can hardly wait to move - and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we are tired of it!

We have been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies!

The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. 
He puts a little of heaven in our hearts, so that we will never settle for less."

2 Corinthians 5:1-5

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May you remember today that as a child of God, this indeed is NOT our home.
So so thankful for that.

i did it again.

yep. I changed my blog. again.

Hey, I am needing something else to think about when it is quiet in the house these days.
(like today when the girls were at MDO).

so, enjoy.

Talk to y'all soon, love you friends.

some needed beauty...

While the grief of my losing my Dad feels more real today than it has so far..

I needed to lighten things up today around here!

I took these pictures right before my trip home to Dallas when my Dad got sick.

I had planned to post them a month ago, but clearly other things took priority.

So I am excited to share them today...

just a little impromptu attempt at being a "professional" photographer! :)

these beauties bring joy to my heart.

very needed joy.

gorgeous, right?

Love y'all.

speaking at my Dad's funeral

3 days ago, walking down the aisle into a church filled with people who loved my dad
was the longest, hardest walk I have ever made.
I barely kept it together and had to keep my head down so I would not burst into tears.
I pray that none of you have to make that walk anytime soon, and that those of you who have gone before me, would remember you are not alone.
That walk is a feeling I will never forget.

- - - - - - - - - -

But, once I got down that aisle...and felt the sweet presence of the Lord in that place,
we celebrated and remembered the life of my sweet Dad.

Many gathered as we shared stories and testimonies of the amazing man he was.

I have always been proud to be his daughter...

but after that, I am more proud than ever.

It was a beautiful and meaningful service, honoring to the Lord, and to my Dad.

Exactly what he would have wanted.

(I thought I would share a little about it here, for those family and friends who could not make it, 

and also for you all to know how blessed I feel to have had such a precious memorial for my father.)

One of the main things talked about and displayed was my Dad's passion and connection to 

Texas A&M University.

Many of you may not know this (and I say it loud and proud now!)...

my Dad was kindof a big deal at A&M. :)

If you have never heard of the 12th Man Foundation, it is the foundation at the school that raises and gives scholarships to students.

My dad started it.

(yep, see...thats a big deal.  And I'm a proud daughter.) 

He was the first executive director of it, and back then, they called it "The Aggie Club".

His passion for A&M was great and affected so many people.

And to put that passion into work, raising money for the school and for students,

is pretty amazing.

It's funny, because several friends I grew up with came up to me after the funeral and said,

"now we understand why you have always loved A&M so much".

It was because of my Dad.

Legendary football coach, Gene Stallings 

(look him up if you don't know who he is),

was a close friend and '57 classmate of my Dad's. 

He was also the coach at A&M when my dad started The Aggie Club.

They had remained close and respected each other immensely through all these years.

We had the honor of Coach Stallings speaking at the memorial.

He shared about my Dad's passion for the school, the incredible impact he made by starting the scholarship foundation...and most of all, what a good and faithful friend my dad was.

I was so proud to hear him speak of my dad the way he did.

My Dad's little sister, Nancy also shared about one of the other important aspects of my dad's life...

his time growing up as a rancher's kid in Colorado.

My dad's parents sold a successful business in Dallas, packed up everything, and bought a ranch in the Rockies when my Dad was young.

As my aunt put it...my dad went from being a city slicker to a rancher's kid, overnight.

He milked cows, pasteurized the milk, wrangled horses, built log cabins, and drove cattle.

The ranch is still there, and is now leased out to well known Christian camp, Sky Ranch.

Going there and seeing what my dad built with his own hands 

is something you cannot describe with words.

My older brother Tim gave incredibly testimony of my Dad's heart towards him as a son.

As a prodigal son.

He likened my Dad to the story in scripture of the Dad waiting with arms open wide,

for his son to return home to him.

That is how my Dad was with my brother, and when he shared that testimony on Saturday...

it made me so proud of both of them.

Tim's words were both convicting and inviting, and were straight from the heart.

It was truly incredible.

I also had the honor to speak at my Dad's funeral.

I honestly did not think I could do it, but it was truly God's grace and presence there,

that got me through my words.

I wanted to honor my Dad, and speak what I thought he would want heard,

about him and about his faith.

Here is what I said in honor of my Dad's life...

- - - - - - - - - -

Hi, I am Sarah, John’s daughter. 

First of all, I cannot express my gratitude to you all for being here to celebrate my Dad’s life today. Thank you.

As if you didn’t already know, being an Aggie was a huge part of my Dad’s life.  It quickly became a huge part of my own, because my Dad’s enthusiasm about anything Aggie was just infectious.

Literally, I think I was singing “Hullaballoo” and yelling “Farmer’s Fight” by the time I was 3, having no idea what I was saying. But I did it with all my gusto and all my pride…because I wanted to be like my Daddy. I spent almost every birthday growing up at the Bonfire, as it often ended up on my birthday weekend. Dad and I would often travel after Thanksgiving dinner down to College Station for the big TU weekend. I remember sitting on top of my Dad’s shoulders to watch them light the bonfire, thinking I had the best view because my dad was so tall. From a young age, he taught me the war hymn, taught me how to wave my 12^th man towel, and that I couldn’t walk on the grass or wear a hat in the MSC. We have sat in the same seats my entire life, and it gives me chills when I sit in them each year, because of the memories I have there. My times at Kyle Field with my dad are some of my fondest memories in my life.

I want to point something out here though, about my Dad.

While all those things at A&M were so important to him, he never once “pushed” it on me.  

I simply wanted to do those things, be a part of all that, because it was important to him.

He made it easy to love what he loved, because he was so incredibly genuine about it.  

And to me, that is the theme of his life as a dad and as a man of faith.

I once gave my dad a Father’s Day card that I always think about, and have expressed to him again through the years. 

It read “You make it so easy to know the Father’s love so well, because YOU have loved me so well.”

Like his love for Texas A&M, my Dad’s love for his Lord was just something sweet and infectious to be around. It drew people in, and I believe will continue to draw people to God, even after he is gone.

My dad did a lot for me. 

Things and sacrifices I recognize even more so now that I am a parent myself.

He sat through countless, and I mean countless, dance recitals and competitions, drill team shows, and Friday night football halftimes.  

He had me in a bright orange vest at a very young age, taking me dove and quail hunting each year with our birddogs. 

(and I assure you Ags…that was the ONLY time I was really allowed to wear orange!) 

He drove our family to Colorado many summers to stay at my uncle’s place in Crested Butte, where we made amazing family memories together. 

And he always kissed my mom when he walked in the door from work each evening, 

which I loved so much.

But the greatest thing my dad did for me, was to show me what a relationship with Jesus looked like. 

A real relationship…not a religion. 

Not a have-to-go-to-church, have-to-do-good, have-to-appear-a-certain-way relationship…because that is not really a relationship. 

But what I saw in my dad was the intimate connection he had with his Jesus. 

With his Savior. A trust in a personal God who would not fail him.

My dad appreciated God’s mercy and spoke of it often, recognizing that he would not be who he was without Jesus’s sacrifice for him.

My Dad’s humble posture to the Lord is what drew people to him

And what people recognized at the sweet gentle spirit in my dad…It was Jesus in him.

My heart hurts…truly aches…that my dad wont be sitting in his favorite chair, answering the phone when I call, going to A&M games with me, or holding my little girls in his lap anymore. 

But I am assured that He is experiencing joy indescribable and amazing peace right now as he walks, with perfect, un-parkinson’s, balance with his Lord.

I want to end with this, some precious words my sweet Abigail shared with me during all of this.  Keep in mind she had no idea that her beloved Hop might be going to Heaven soon, and we really didn't know yet either.

One night while Hop was still in the hospital, I asked her to pray with me for Hop, to which she replied, 

“What’s Jesus saying to Hop right now?”. 

I said “I don’t know, what is He saying to Hop?”.  

She paused and thought about it, and then said “Jesus is saying for Hop to come Home.”. 

That took my breath away, but then I said “oh wow, what else is Jesus saying to Hop right now?” Abigail said “Jesus is saying that God wants Hop to come to His house in Heaven”.

Out of the mouths of babes, right?

 Her little spirit was being prepared, and the words of a three year old have brought me more comfort, knowing without a doubt, that Jesus had been preparing a way for my Dad...

to come Home to His House in Heaven.

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Like I keep saying, the service was incredible. and I think, I KNOW my Dad would be proud.

He would have loved it.

He DID love it...he had the best seat in the house.

The countless people there astounded us and I was so blown away.

I know the impact and love my Dad had always poured out to others,

but it was amazing to see people whom he had affected, and who loved him, and love us.

My parent's church was absolutely incredible at organizing the whole thing, including the big reception afterwards. We literally did not have to do much at all.

It was a HUGE blessing to our family, and stirred up in me a new desire to serve others better.

The worship and solos were insanely beautiful, 

and it ushered in the presence of the Lord so heavily.

We put up pictures everywhere for the reception following the service, 

which seemed to be a big hit,

as people looked at and got to know or reminisced on past times with my Dad.

Even some old black and white pics of my Dad growing up...pretty neat.

oh, and don't you worry, we walked out of the church to the playing of the Aggie War Hymn,
It made everyone smile because we knew my Dad would be smiling. 

- - - - - - - - - -

The funeral was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. 

ever.

But it was also one of the neatest things I have ever been a part of.

ever.

My Dad was honored, and God was glorified.

And now they sit together in perfect peace and joy.