the waves of my grief

In the trenches of grief is where I have found myself many times in these last 11 days
since losing my dad.

At least for this season of grief for me, it comes out of nowhere, and in different ways.
Like a wave that you did not see coming that sweeps you off your feet for a moment.


It usually gets me most when I am driving. Or in the shower.
Those two places have always been the places where I process things emotionally.
So it's not been a surprise to me that while driving home from grocery shopping, or driving the girls to school, or taking a shower in the morning... the tears just start flowing out of nowhere.

Yesterday, i was on my way home from getting groceries with the girls, and the wave that hit me was a little was more like a shock, rather than a sadness. Almost as if I had just been told that my Dad had died suddenly.
I found myself just saying "oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh" over and over.

The tears came a few minutes later... they flowed a little.
I probably could have sobbed to be honest, but I had the girls with me and didn't want to.
(learning how to grieve in front of little ones is going to be a whole new avenue of parenting I will learn. I have cried in front of Abigail more than a few times though all this...and she understands why. And I think thats good. But I also feel a responsibility to guard her little heart from too much sadness.)

Then the wave passed and I was okay, and got distracted by the things needed my attention...the groceries to unload, the diaper to change, the scraped chin that needed a Hello Kitty bandaid.

But then naptime came a few hours later, and the house was quiet. I really actually like quiet..I always have appreciated it. (even before I was a mother). I ate a little snack, and did a little laundry.
But I only got halfway through putting clean clothes away when another wave hit me.

This time it wasn't tears or was just an exhaustion that hit me.
Now, while I do have other things that would constitute me feeling so tired,
it's a different kind of tired that I cannot really explain.
It's a tired that I felt after we lost Parker's Dad, and after my miscarriage.
Not really where I want to go to sleep, but just that I have absolutely no energy to do one more thing.
I just have to sit.

And speaking of sleep. It's been really really hard for me.
My dreams are filled with dreams of my Dad's funeral, his last days, and the fear of experiencing other losses in my life.  I honestly have been dreading sleep this whole week.
I just got some over the counter sleeping medicine that the dr said I could take during this time in my life, so I am hopeful that will help.

I don't really know why I am sharing all this, except that maybe I did it during another "wave".
I grabbed the computer and started to write it out a little. That helps me.

I am honestly starting to not like the word "grief"...but I think that's probably just because I have heard it a lot in the last few weeks, and maybe even because of a little denial on my part that this is what I am going through right now.

Maybe you have been though loss, or are in the midst of grieving right now...I would love your thoughts or encouragement about this fresh stage of grief. I know there are the psychological "stages of grief", but I also know it is different for everyone.

So I am trying to give myself grace and space to do what I need to do, and feel what i need to feel.
I told Parker that I kindof wish I could just take a few days and do nothing but cry and get it all overwith. But I know that's not how this works. And I don't want it to, really.

Because losing my Dad will always, always be a hard thing for me. I will always miss him.

But I want to end with the end of the day, at the end of all my crazy waves...

The one thing i DO know is that God is good.
And that my Dad is experiencing that goodness in ways I can only imagine.
And that I will see him again someday.
And that while I would give anything for him to still be here with us, I wouldn't ever take him away from the sweetness he is having in Heaven with Jesus right now.

So I will continue in the waves, and trust that God is holding me.

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thanks for being sweet friends to let me process this here...thanks for listening.