loss, healing, and Project Hope . . .

One year ago today, November 19th,

I woke up from my D&C.

Feeling empty, sad, unable to see God's hand, and too sad to cry.

Our little life growing inside had already gone Home,

and I was now having to have to deal with the physical part of it,

because my body would not "pass it".

"pass it"? seriously?

a baby.

like it's a kidney stone or something.

I am honestly thankful that the Lord spared me the terror of my body going

through what a lot of women go through with a miscarriage.

I never had the bleeding or cramping or seeing what

had been a life in my toilet.

{oh, my heart wrenches at the thought...

and grieves with those of you who have been through that}

Having that surgery was awful too.

If Im keeping it real with you,

the only good part of that entire week was when they gave me the anesthesia.

(hey, just being honest).

Just for one second as I went under, I didn't feel the darkness

that I had felt for the last 9 days.

This week, one year later, has been hard.

Like I've mentioned before...I am always really affected by

annversaries of things,

and my emotions tend to be really in tune with the memories I'm dealing with.

and if you are thinking that I have been harping on this too much this week,

I have no apologies. I'm just being real and sharing my heart.

Loss is not something to just sweep past or "get over".

I've written about this before...

but my main struggle after that miscarriage

was trusting and believing that He really did have my best interest at heart.

And trying to not deal with fear of it happening again.

A year ago,

my thoughts were things like:

"He knew! He knew the greatest blessing in my life has been being a mommy,

so why would He take this away from me?

Doesnt He want the desires of my heart to be fulfilled?

He must not."

BUT

in the midst of it, I am looking for, trying to remember,

wanting to recognize,

the redemptive power of my Heavenly Father in this.

Remembering that HE is the author of life and death,

that He had plans for that little one in Heaven and not on Earth.

That He wanted to get to me in a very deep way,

to eventually remind me and show me that He DOES care about my desires,

my heart, my dreams.

And I'm here to testify that He did remember me.

He remembered my desires.

He met me in the darkness, and pulled me out of those lies.

He is good. He loves me.

He loves my children, and is loving on that little life in Heaven now.

He even gave us another little girl that we will get to meet very soon.

He have me back life.

(and I don't mean just a baby growing inside.)

We can't just muster it up.

I believe that this walk with Him is in NO way about

"pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps".

That is NOT a relationship.

And what the Lord desires with us is RELATIONSHIP.

To have these very conversations with Him,

to listen to His voice, to be real.

He wants to MEET US where we are.

HE LOVES YOU.

He KNOWS your heart's desires.

I've said this before, but again...

I write this with a sincere and sensitive heart,

as many friends and women have losses which are greater,

or long for the day when they will have a baby in their tummy or in their arms.

Several friends have lost babies farther along that I did, or after birth,

and I cannot imagine the pain they still deal with.

To some, the 10 weeks I had a baby in my belly last Fall seems like an eternity.

I have a strong desire to bless those mamas in their darkest hours,

to be the hands and feet of God to them in their sorrow.

and I hope you will join me...

{click on this button to read more}

Some of you have already heard about this amazing project

by our sweet bloggy friend Laura.

{check out her blog here}.

Blessing mamas after they have experienced loss

with a memory box filled with things

to help acknowledge and remember the little life they have just said goodbye to.

This can be POWERFUL.

But if you havent,

if you don't know the precious thought

behind Project Hope...

I hope that you will go read her blog and check it out.

There are lots of ways you can help.

Thanks for listening,

for being there, for encouraging words, for the prayers...

not just for me, for but all those that have experienced loss.

It is a blessing to be reminded

that we have a loving Father

who DOES care about our desires.

PS dont forget to come back and link up tomorrow

for Pictureless Post...

Id love to have you, and get to know your heart better!

Pictureless Post Link-Up is back on Sunday!!

Several of you joined in last time (thanks!),

and I wanted to remind you that it is back THIS SUNDAY, the 20th!

and every Sunday!!

The point of this link party idea

is to encourage us bloggers to

JUST WRITE.

with no worry or time put into the effort it can be

to take, upload, organize,

edit, and pick the "right" pictures for your blog posts.

JUST WRITE whatever is on your heart or mind to write.

seriously, it doesnt matter.

We just want to hear your heart on "paper".

It might just amaze you how fast it can come out...

uninhibited writing. unedited sharing.

LIFE.

<a href="http://racetowardsjoy.blogspot.com/search/label/pictureless%20post"><img src="http://i1207.photobucket.com/albums/bb479/bloggysarah/piclessbuttonfinal.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a>

Grab a button to spread the word,and add it to your post if you join up on Sunday!!!
Hope to see yall then!!
LOVE YOU ALL...more than you know!!

THANKFUL link-up {and a winner!}

first of all...

**the WINNER of the sweet giveaway from Blossom and Vine is:

(generated by random.org)

Jen! email me!**

TODAY.

Today is a day I am linking up to give thanks...

in NO particular order...

here are (just) a few things I am thankful for right now.

These two....

they share dimples, grumpiness in the morning,

and a love for each other that is the most amazing thing to watch.

That the little girl in my belly is healthy and (very) active!

{she keeps me up at night all. the. time. with her gymnastics}

That we live in a small town now,

where school buses drop kids off at their houses,

where people actually pull over for ambulances driving by,

and we can go see Daddy at the office anytime we want, in 5 minutes tops.

That this little Diva keeps me on my toes, and makes my life SO fulfilling.

That I have a husband who is so obedient to the Lord and is faithful to

do whatever is in front of him.

That Thanksgiving is next week and we get to spend time with family,

eat yummy food,

and go to a good friend's wedding.

That Abigail is sleeping so well in her "big girl bed"

and is growing up every day into such an amazing little girl.

{she is still my BABY though.}

I am thankful for blogging.

SO thankful.

Thankful for God's continued

provision for our us.

That my North Face will still zip up over my pregnant belly.

barely. but it does.

(if you know me, you know I wear my North Face like every day)

...im hoping to squeeze (literally) out another week or two or wearing it,

but you may see my wearing my hubby's after that! :)

That I am making some new friends in our new town.

Thankful for good friends who may live far,

but stay so close.

That I have the best little sidekick,

who is constantly making me laugh.

(chillin like a queen in the Target basket...and just hanging out while mama showers)

I am thankful that she makes me stop to smell the flowers.

She makes me appreciate the small things.

That I have the best job in the world as a full-time mommy.

(even though sometimes I miss going to the bathroom

without a little person climbing all over me) :)

For the Texas Aggies (yes, I said it),

They have had a horrible season but I love them nonetheless.

my blood will always be maroon.

For AMAZING grandparents,

who love on our little family so well.

Chai Tea with Soy at my newly found local coffee shop.

Going to get my Chai tea on Tuesday and Thursday

mornings after I drop Abigail at Mothers Day Out.

(guess where I am now?!)

For our home, and that it feels like home.

for our newly discovered love of JUICING!

fresh, healthy, and fun. (and messy too, but worth it!)

For life dreams and goals,

and for a husband that is continually willing to talk about them with me.

For technology, that has allowed me to be part of this amazing blog community.

For our little girl growing inside.

(who now has a name, but you'll have to wait 7 more weeks, sorry!!)

That it is getting cold.

(there was frost on the rooftops this morning...yay!)

for prayer. and that I have a God I can speak with anytime.

for Shirley Temples.

this pregnant momma deserves a "drink" sometimes too!

for this smile.

Go link up today and share what you are thankful for:

and over here too:

BLESSINGS!!

a friend's journey from loss . . .

I have a VERY special guest post for you...

from one of my real-life best friends,

Jessi.

{she blogs here}.

She is a momma, a military wife,

and a treasure of a friend.

And she is sharing her precious story of loss with us today.

{these are our two littles..cute couple huh?}

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

No one can ever describe to you what it feels like to be a mother.

Finding out you're pregnant you already love that baby more than your own life.

You do everything you can to help your baby grow and thank God every day for such a blessing! And then you give birth and suddenly that love you thought

you felt becomes overwhelming.

Its a love that almost makes you understand God's love for us.

No one can ever describe what it feels like to lose a child.

I have two children.

Caden we get to see and hug and kiss every single day.

And Christian, God chose to bring home early.

At 21 weeks Christian's heart stopped and so did mine.

At least it felt like it did.

I think the pain is worse when you have a child already because

you know exactly what you're missing.

And at the same time easier to handle because you have a little one to hold tighter

and thank God for even more.

And there's not a lot of room for depression when a little voice says

"I love you mommy".

I could go into the details of how it happened,

and why it's difficult for us to have more children...but none of that matters.

Because whether we are able to have more, are called to adopt,

or only raise Caden...

it will be what God had planned.

pictures done for "The Mama Project" by photographer Jessica Flynn

It's been a year since we lost our sweet baby Christian.

And where I'm at now is more trusting and faithful in the Lord than I ever thought possible.

I know God has been with me because otherwise I would be afraid.

and fear does not come from the Lord.

"I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart.

And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.

So don’t be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27

It is not at all easy to just trust in His plan.

But it is freeing to do it. It takes the weight off my shoulders.

Giving Him my burdens and knowing that His plans for me are perfect even when I dont understand them.

I will not be troubled or afraid.


I miss Christian deeply.

But there is no place for pain when I know he is with God.

There is no better place. Not even here with us.

So instead I REJOICE that God trusted us to LOVE him even for such a brief time.

I do not understand why he was taken so soon but I do know that

"God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THANKS JESSI,

for opening your heart and your story.

I miss Christian with you

and know that he is fulfilling his purposes in Heaven right now.

{our families...}

and make sure you go check out Jessi, and all that she shares on her blog...

she is a crafting, organizing, homeschooling mama,who loves Jesus and loves her role as a wife and mother::

PS make sure you go enter this GIVEAWAY before tomorrow!

Blessings to you today friends...

a lovely Monday GIVEAWAY!

It's a LOVELY GIVEAWAY today!

{my little lovely modeling her bows from Blossom and Vine!}

I want to introduce you today to ALY...

If you don't already know her, read her blog, or shop her shop,

you should. :)

and she has a WONDERFUL giveaway for you today!

hi! i'm aly. i'm a work-from-home mom of a 2.5 year old daughter,

expecting another girl in february.

my handsome hubby and i are high school sweethearts and we've been married 6.5 years.

we live in southern california where he's a football coach and i do my best to try to keep the house clean.

i love Jesus, writing, singing, target, and i might be addicted to starbucks coffee.

i write at The Mommie Diaries and when i have extra time,

i make pretty things at my shop, Blossom and Vine.

my handmade business adventure actually started in 2009,

a few months after my daughter was born.

i started making headbands for her, and after too many people recommended

that I open an etsy shop and start selling stuff, i did!

i'm embarrassed to look back at some of the first things that i sold, but it evolved quickly and the business and my creativity grew.

that first year was such a blessing for our family.

while living with my inlaws for nine months, in the process of buying our house,

i was able to pay off our car, pay for some of the upgrades in our home

and a few other fun things.

the night before we moved into our new house, i closed up the etsy shop,

knowing that i wouldn't be able to manage a home and the 8pm-2am "workdays".

the break was nice, but i couldn't stay away.

so i started selling DIY tutorials of some of the designs i had sold in my shop.

eventually i began to make things again,

so i opened a new shop, Blossom & Vine.

it's stocked with ready-to-ship items:

headbands, clips/brooches,

and scripture prints are some of my favorite verses.

there's even a wreath and some hoop art.

when i have some time to make things, i do.

but i don't have to neglect my family and home to keep a business afloat.

it's perfect for this season of our lives. i absolutely love sending beautiful things off

to their new homes and love that i get to stay sane while doing so!

i still have the tutorial shop, and i call it

"Blossom & Vine DIY"

[in case you're the crafty type].

THANKS SO MUCH ALY!!!

The winner of this GIVEAWAY receives

a generous $30 SHOP CREDIT!!

To Enter::

you must be a follower of my blog {here}

you must be a follower of Aly's blog {here}

extra entries:

add Blossom and Vine's shop to your Favorites on Etsy {here}

follow Blossom and Vine on Twitter {here}

follow me on Twitter {here}

Tweet, FB, or Blog about this giveaway! (1 entry each)

LEAVE A COMMENT FOR EACH ENTRY you make

{so, you could have up to 8 entries total!}

Giveaway ends on Wednesday...

Winner will be announced on Thursday November 17th !

Happy Giveaway-ing!

Have a lovely, lovely Monday,

link up here for more: