loss, healing, and Project Hope . . .
/One year ago today, November 19th,
I woke up from my D&C.
Feeling empty, sad, unable to see God's hand, and too sad to cry.
and I was now having to have to deal with the physical part of it,
because my body would not "pass it".
"pass it"? seriously?
a baby.
like it's a kidney stone or something.
I am honestly thankful that the Lord spared me the terror of my body going
through what a lot of women go through with a miscarriage.
I never had the bleeding or cramping or seeing what
had been a life in my toilet.
{oh, my heart wrenches at the thought...
and grieves with those of you who have been through that}
Having that surgery was awful too.
If Im keeping it real with you,
the only good part of that entire week was when they gave me the anesthesia.
(hey, just being honest).
Just for one second as I went under, I didn't feel the darkness
that I had felt for the last 9 days.
This week, one year later, has been hard.
Like I've mentioned before...I am always really affected by
annversaries of things,
and my emotions tend to be really in tune with the memories I'm dealing with.
and if you are thinking that I have been harping on this too much this week,
I have no apologies. I'm just being real and sharing my heart.
Loss is not something to just sweep past or "get over".
but my main struggle after that miscarriage
was trusting and believing that He really did have my best interest at heart.
And trying to not deal with fear of it happening again.
A year ago,
my thoughts were things like:
"He knew! He knew the greatest blessing in my life has been being a mommy,
so why would He take this away from me?
Doesnt He want the desires of my heart to be fulfilled?
He must not."
BUT
in the midst of it, I am looking for, trying to remember,
wanting to recognize,
the redemptive power of my Heavenly Father in this.
Remembering that HE is the author of life and death,
that He had plans for that little one in Heaven and not on Earth.
That He wanted to get to me in a very deep way,
to eventually remind me and show me that He DOES care about my desires,
my heart, my dreams.
And I'm here to testify that He did remember me.
He remembered my desires.
He met me in the darkness, and pulled me out of those lies.
He is good. He loves me.
He loves my children, and is loving on that little life in Heaven now.
He even gave us another little girl that we will get to meet very soon.
He have me back life.
(and I don't mean just a baby growing inside.)
We can't just muster it up.
I believe that this walk with Him is in NO way about
"pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps".
That is NOT a relationship.
And what the Lord desires with us is RELATIONSHIP.
To have these very conversations with Him,
to listen to His voice, to be real.
He wants to MEET US where we are.
HE LOVES YOU.
He KNOWS your heart's desires.
I've said this before, but again...
I write this with a sincere and sensitive heart,
as many friends and women have losses which are greater,
or long for the day when they will have a baby in their tummy or in their arms.
Several friends have lost babies farther along that I did, or after birth,
and I cannot imagine the pain they still deal with.
To some, the 10 weeks I had a baby in my belly last Fall seems like an eternity.
I have a strong desire to bless those mamas in their darkest hours,
to be the hands and feet of God to them in their sorrow.
and I hope you will join me...
{click on this button to read more}
Some of you have already heard about this amazing project
by our sweet bloggy friend Laura.
Blessing mamas after they have experienced loss
with a memory box filled with things
to help acknowledge and remember the little life they have just said goodbye to.
This can be POWERFUL.
But if you havent,
if you don't know the precious thought
behind Project Hope...
I hope that you will go read her blog and check it out.
There are lots of ways you can help.
Thanks for listening,
for being there, for encouraging words, for the prayers...
not just for me, for but all those that have experienced loss.
It is a blessing to be reminded
that we have a loving Father
who DOES care about our desires.
PS dont forget to come back and link up tomorrow
for Pictureless Post...
Id love to have you, and get to know your heart better!
