until 4 years ago...

I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.

I have matured and grown in ways I didn't think I could.
Refinement in my heart has been forced on me in a loving, yet challenging way.
In a way that some days, I don't think I can handle the molding anymore....
but other days I can reflect on the day, and know that my heart and my soul are better for it.

I didn't know my heart was capable of feeling so much love, before 4 years ago.
I also didn't know my heart could break so much at the loss of love.
He has shown me His comfort in ways I didn't think I would ever even need to feel,
and it has been so hard, but so sweet.

I have learned to be okay with silly things I didn't think I could ever be okay with.
Like spit up, wiping snot with my shirt when there's no kleenex, breastfeeding with open wounds because of teething, and killing bugs myself so my little girls feel "safe".
Tantrums and strong willed personalities have pushed my limits in every way,
and I know I am the better for it.
It is rooting things out in my soul that don't need to be there...
and He is replacing those things with better stuff, like patience and grace.

Depending on God for energy has been a huge lesson.
Not just through the newborn stages and colicky babies, but through the days I am literally having circles run around me by two energetic kiddos.
And for the energy to rise before my family to pray over them and prepare for the day, which I am coming to realize makes such a difference.

I have a new respect for my mom and dad.
For the sacrifices they made, things I may never even know about.
I am thankful to be on the other end now and have a real understanding of what it takes to be a parent.

Friends have changed in this stage of life, and that's okay.
And I have learned the value of having close friends who really get me.
I never really realized just how vital it is to have my people,
the ones I can talk to about anything and everything as I navigate motherhood.
Until four years ago, I kind of just assumed good friends might never come.
And then God showed up and gave me just what I needed.

Marriage has always been used as a tool to make me a better person, as it should.
We have seen a lot in our 11 years, and been through a lot of hard, but also a lot of blessing.
When you have children, the efforts in marriage become more challenging, and much more needed.
Creativity in spending time together, and even sacrificing sleep to stay up late and catch up become a necessity sometimes.
Communication and team work are now much more important as we have a little audience.
It takes more work...but our marriage has become closer and fuller since having little ones.

And most importantly, until 4 years ago, I didn't understand God's love for me as much as I do now.
I am His child, His daughter.
I am loved and cherished and protected and taken care of and sacrifices have been make for my life.
I have an identity as a daughter that I didn't fully get until I had daughters of my own.
It is a heart-bursting realization to know He loves me even more than I love my own girls.

Until 4 years ago...life was just not as good as it is now.
Until I became a Mother, I had no idea how full my life could be.

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Happy Mother's Day!

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Here are a few blog posts that have been blessing me on this Mother's Day week, I know yall will love them too.
Dear Mom who feels like a failure by Ruth at Gracelaced
Dear Mom struggling with jealousy by Andrea at Wisdom for Her Heart
For the Mamas by Casey at The Wiegands
Dear New Mommy Self (by me)

my Half Marathon!

I did it.

a Half-Marathon.

13.1 miles.

2 hours and 35 minutes of running.

Next to a good friend the entire race.

Knowing several other good friends were out there running it with me.

Switching between smiling and tearing up the whole time.

It truly was one of the most exhilarating things I have ever done, next to delivering my babies.

(me and Jane ran the whole race together!)

The Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon is an exceptional one.

Planned so well, so many volunteers, the BEST crowds of supporters with some amazing (and hilarious) signs shouting encouragements to their loved ones and to complete strangers, so many people running with the mission in mind...

and it does attract SO many people. This years participation of runners reached 26,000!

Yes, twenty six thousand people!

Just amazing really.

It was definitely quite the experience...lots of unexpected things that I (and everyone) had to push past and deal with and choose to put behind us.

As you may have heard from knowing me or following me, Oklahoma weather is very VERY unpredictable. And with tornado season upon us, there was lots of speculation of bad storms on race weekend. But amazingly, it all held out Saturday and even early Sunday morning when we were all up at 4:30 AM.

The gun was supposed start the race at 6:30 AM, but at around 5:30, the storms we thought we had missed came.

Like, downpoured. Hail and all.

Luckily, the group I was with was inside a friend's office building a few blocks from the start.

SO thankful for that space to stay dry and warm in.

We had the news on in there and kept hearing reports of the storms coming through.

They started postponing the race. First to 7:00, then to 7:30, then 7:45, then finally to 8:00.

They had reported that if the race did not start by 8:00 it would be cancelled due to city road closure rules.

So honestly, a lot of us were "preparing" mentally that the race would not be happening.

Muscles were getting cold again after stretching hours before.

Tummies were grumbling because everyone ate at about 5:00 AM.

The line for the potty was never-ending because of nerves.

And worst of all, the enthusiasm and mental readiness was waring off.

Just not good when you are about to do a race...especially your first one!

But they had not called it yet, so we rallied...

stretched more, peed more, and commissioned some hubbies to bring us granola bars...

and headed down to be in the corral at 8:00.

Literally right when we got in with the masses, it began to pour rain and the sky started throwing hail pellets at us.

People ran for cover again. We hid under the open lid of a dumpster, no lie.

But the announcer came on one last time and said the race would now start at 8:15.

(our fashionable dry-cleaner bags to keep us dry!)

And then it was like the Lord heard and decided to answer everyone's prayers.

In a matter of a few minutes, the sky started opening to where we could see the peeking sun.

And the clouds started to part.

And there wasn't cold rain on us anymore.

It all changed.

Then it got real.

here we are, the race is not being cancelled, my mindset must switch into running mode.

Into perseverance mode, really.

Time to listen to my music and to the voice in my head, and the Lord's voice, telling me I CAN do this.

I CAN make it through.

And you know what?

The weather was PERFECT for us Halfers.

(it got way too hot for the full marathoners though, props to them!)

It was like God was smiling down our whole run.

And it kept me smiling.

I wrote before about WHY I was running.

And I can say with great joy that I truly feel like I accomplished my goals.

Not just the goal of the Finish Line, but the mental and emotional goals I knew I would face as I ran.

Running a long race like that forces inner-strength and lot of reflection.

I'll write more about what i did to train/fuel/etc....and what I did to not train. haha 

Just about my journey.

But for now, I just wanted to encourage you to pick something that will have a big meaning for you, and just go for it.

It was all worth it!!

THANKS to all who encouraged me along the way.

You know who you are and I love you for it.

Here's to more finish lines together!!!

(me and Kelli, the one who got me into all this!)

(lots of the first responders who were actually there at the OKC bombing in 1995 walked the entire race. In full uniform and gear. I choked back tears every time I saw one of them.)

set goals. find friends to do it with, don't give up on it just because life gets in the way.

You really won't regret it!

13.1 tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day.

One I am nervous about, excited about, emotional about, and maybe want to throw up just a little bit about. no really.

It's something I have pictured and dreamt about and worked towards.

While my training has not been ideal, and I let life get in the way too much through this process,

I stayed committed and can't want to see this through...

all the way to the finish line!

I am so blessed to have a group of good friends who will all be racing with me.

It's pretty incredible actually, to have other women, other mamas, working towards the same big goal and accomplishment as you. Even though we didn't all train together as much as I would have liked (because life with little ones is always unpredictable), here we are...

and we will all be finishing this race tomorrow!

Thanks to you ladies, you know who you are.

And you can bet on it...i will be THAT girl that is pretty much weeping as I cross the finish line.

I am actually crying right now just as I write this.

I will be running for the race's cause, which is to remember those lives lost in the OKC bombing in 1995.

I will be running to do this alongside my friends who have worked their butts off for this goal.

I will be running to show myself that hard work and self-discipline pays off.

I will be running and remembering my dad who will be cheering me on from Heaven.

I will be running to see my husband's proud smile at the end.

I will be running to see the sweet signs my little girls have made for me.

I will be running to prove that after the losses and health scares in the last year...
my body IS healthy and worthy of accomplishing big things.

I will run, and keep running, for these things.

And when my strength, physically or mentally, starts to weaken tomorrow...

I will be running because HE is the one who gives me strength!!

Easter 2014 pics!

Hope everyone had a beautiful Easter weekend!!

Here are a few pics from ours...

my girls in yellow tulle dresses may or may not have done me in. :)

Also having some family pictures of all four of us are so valuable to me!

(and PS these pics were not edited...the Lord just gave us gorgeous sunlight and colors all weekend!)

Christ is Risen! Let's remember that EVERY day.

through blood...

Blood is how I knew life was being taken from me two times last year.

It was a painful sign that love was leaving my body.

On the way to my procedure the day after our second miscarriage,

we blasted worship music in the car.

Mainly just to help distract me.

But really, it was stirring something in me...

Parker encouraged me to have lyrics in my head as I went under.

The song that rang loud in my mind and in my heart,

actually stung a little bit too.

Because is was about blood...

something really painful to think about at that time.

But as I went under the anesthesia,

and as I have carried on through the last year of working through grief,

He has transformed my mind to seeing more.

That through HIS blood...life was given.

I am praising Him today, and thankful for the

new understanding I have of His blood, and the life that comes from it.

Blood is how I knew life was leaving me.

Blood is also how I know there IS life.

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I beg you to listen to this song.

It is incredibly powerful.

trust me, it will move you.

"Still Believe"

 Your blood makes the deaf to hear right now.

Your blood takes away the curse right now.

Your blood heals every disease right now.

Your blood sets the addict free right now.

And I still believe,

You're the same yesterday, today, and forever.

And I still believe

Your blood is sufficient for me.

Your blood mends the broken heart right now.

Your blood propels me to forgive right now.

Your blood transforms my mind right now.

Your blood brings the dead to life right now.

And I still believe,

You're the same yesterday, today, and forever.

And I still believe

Your blood is sufficient for me.

You're the highest power, 

darkness cannot stand

No longer bound to sin, I am free!

You are all that I need.

Jesus, you are more than enough for me.

And I still believe,

You're the same yesterday, today, and forever.

And I still believe

Your blood is sufficient for me.

All I need.

Come cover us right now.

Come cover us, Jesus.

The blood that opens deaf ears.

The blood breaks down disease.

In your presence God

it has no place

pain has no place

disease has no place

sickness has no place

weariness has no place.

depression has no place

in Your presence

We find

All we need, we find

in your presence.

Jesus.

All we need is in you Jesus.

We believe.

I believe you are who you say you are

You're the one who sees me.

You're the one who formed me.

You're the one who knows me.

every hair on my head.

You created me.

How you loved me

You're the one who has abundant life.

You're the one who has joy for me, Jesus.

I believe.

With all my heart, with all I am

Even when I cannot see,

I will believe.

I will never stop believing.

I will not fear,

because I believe.

"Still Believe"

(including spontaneous worship)

by Kim Walker-Smith

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Thank you, Jesus,

for the blood you shed for me.

I am in awe.

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(I actually originally posted this last year, but the words still ring so true this Easter that I needed to share it again on this beautiful Good Friday.)