my battle with shame

no joke, when i finally sat down to write this post, I fell asleep with the computer on my lap and had a dream about the very thing I sat down to write about.

And not a good dream...a difficult one, stirring up the emotion and angst of this very issue.

It's something I have just realized in the last year or so that I live with on a daily basis,

but it is also something I am just now realizing that I can have freedom from.

SHAME.

If I had had that dream several months ago, I would have woken and continued to live under that shame, and would have been completely discouraged to write about it.

But now, NOW...I am learning to see it for what it is: a plot of my enemy to steal, kill, and destroy the freedom that is mine in Jesus. And I'm in a battle against it now. No more standing on the sidelines and accepting living with shame as a way to live.

That is NOT living, people.

I will do my best here to explain this thing I deal with, in hopes that I could encourage.

(and also in hopes that I can make sense, in words, of this issue so deep in my heart).

I'm not referring here to the kind of shame you would normally think of when you hear that word...like "oh I did such and such, I should be ashamed of that" or "I sinned, I must live in shame now"

My personal battle is a MINDSET. It has been this consuming, draining, WRONG way of thinking for so long. To the point where I am justifying TO MYSELF (how off is that?) about what I am doing or the choices I am making. And I'm not talking about bad, unhealthy choices...I am talking about everything, good things, blessings even.

As I begin this battle and journey of working through this, I have yet to discover exactly where it came from or started, and it may very well be just a generational sin that was passed to me, and that needs to end with me. But one thing I do know: it HAS to end. Has to.

It is so binding to live like you have to justify what you are doing all the time.

Gosh I feel like Im probably not making sense here, but Ill try to give an example...

Like when Abigail was littler and I would walk her in the stroller, several neighbors would park to where I could not go down the side walk, but had to walk in the street.

Here's what Shame would tell me: "you are walking your baby in the street? you need to have an answer for people who judge your decision. You need to tell them that because your neighbors parked covering the sidewalk, that is why you were walking your baby on the street, because you are clearly not being safe and that must make you a bad mom."

Funny thing is, NOBODY ever asked me that, or probably even cared!!

It was all in my head.

or

Parker tells me he'd really like to have a different kind of meat for dinner sometime...and my mind IMMEDIATELY goes to "oh man I should've known to do something different than what I always do for dinner. Poor guy. I'm such a bad wife."

And then it usually turns into some victim mentality moping, as I hang my head under the heaviness of shame.

And all sweet Parker was trying to tell me was that he has seen some new chicken at the store, and would like to try it if I ever wanted to. I didn't even let him explain or get to that point because I was already living under this mindset of shame!!!

or

looking at the blessings, the provision, even the amazing children HE has given us, and feeling the need to justify them. (I've written about this in the past, before I really realized it was all connected to shame). Fact is, we should NEVER feel a need to justify the blessings God has given, no matter if others actually are judging or if we are judging ourselves.

OK I seriously don't know if this is making sense to anyone, but thats ok, because it is freeing me up just to write it out, praise the Lord.

After the dream I just had tonight, I went and woke up Parker to pray over me because I knew I needed support. He told me he himself had been battling the spirit of shame all day too..so i just KNEW this was an attack against us.

As we prayed, we asked Him something that I think is crucial for me in this battle...

to give us ASSURANCE that He is SO confident in us, in our abilities, in our roles, in our decisions...that we would hear ONLY His voice of LOVE and TRUST, and that all other voices of shame, doubt, justification would be drowned out.

I am still working through all this, and maybe this post will be a "part one" for me.

I DONT have the answer for battling this daily, and I don't know if this even resonated with anyone, but I DO know I want and need to be victorious in this battle against shame.

**edited since I wrote and posted this last night: I really think He is trying to speak to me that the main answer for me not living in shame is to recognize my TRUE identity as His child...to relish in that, to walk in that, to BELIEVE that in the day to day. If I truly know WHO I AM, then when the lies come about me....I can combat them and tell them to go back where they came from! amen?! **

Thanks for listening to my deep down heart right now. Thankful for yall!

{{PS go check out this huge group giveaway at Caseys that I am a part of!}}