holding my girls tighter
/
As everyone is saying, I also have held my family a little tighter this weekend,
after the tragic events on Friday.
My heart breaks, just breaks.
It's one of those things where all I know to do is pray without ceasing...
for healing, for comfort, for peace that truly passes understanding.
This little family picture (while not the greatest), that we snapped on Saturday morning
after the Christmas program at the girls' school,
means a little more now.
Thankful for my little girls to hold right now.
And praying for the mamas of the ones who are being held by Jesus now.
I really can't. Oh wait, yes I can.
/
I've been having one of those kindof roller coaster weeks, going back and forth between feeling like "i can" and "i can't".
So many things to get done, people to see, things to take places, gifts to buy, gifts to mail, house to clean, parties to plan, meals to cook, bills to pay, dr's appointments, school Christmas programs, laundry to fold (a huge pile is staring at me as I write)...and the list goes on and on. Daily.
You know how it goes, right?
It just seems to keep coming and coming sometimes.
And that's not to mention all the things I really WANT to be doing. Like doing cute Christmas crafts with Abigail, reading the Christmas story to her over and over, spending extra time loving on my husband, working out (hmm, I've missed you, Gym), having quiet "me" time, etc. Oh, and sleep.
So this week I have found myself throwing my hands up a few times and just being like "I CAN'T do all this." Then the enemy comes in and throws Shame in my face. "You are a stay at home mom...I can't believe you can't get all this done. You are so spoiled."
woah. Have any of you heard that one before? For me, it kind of takes the wind out of my sails...which in turn, just perpetuates the cycle of feeling like "I can't." (hmm, that's a whole other post)
So then, in my own fleshly efforts to make up for hearing shame and feeling "behind", I find myself frantically trying to make things work, make things happen, check things off my long list.
And you know what? I DO actually get things done. I get those errands run, I cook the meals, I send the gifts. I may even do a Pinteresty Christmas project with my little girl. (just go ahead and pat me on the back. I'm such a good mama.)
ahem. that was sarcasm in case you didnt get it.
And while it's helpful to be feeling like "I CAN" versus "I can't"...at some point, after I have exhausted myself, and set the town on fire in my five hours alone while the girls are at MDO...
I crash.
And then it starts all over with the I can'ts.
But this morning, something woke me up at 4:50 AM, and I was not able to fall back asleep, because my mind was running through my list again. So after an hour of tormenting myself trying to sleep, I finally just got up and came downstairs. My plan was "well, I'm up before the sun, I may as well start getting stuff done..."
But the Lord has had different plans for me this morning. Just to help me wake up, I put on some music, and intended to tackle this giant load of laundry (remember, that one staring at me right now?)
The first thing that came on was "Our Secret Place", an oldie but goodie worship song from Christy Nockles.
In the song, she is asking the Lord to draw near, to come close to me in our secret place.
(Hmm, I just have to wonder if maybe the crack of dawn this morning was a "set up" to get me in a quiet place with Him. With my heart.)
part of the words of the song...
"There is no more to DO, there is no more to SAY...Come close to me..."
- - - - - - - - - -
OK i hear you Lord.
I heard Him.
I felt His presence, His desire for me to just be with Him this morning.
HIS ability to help me do what He has placed before me to do today, whatever that may be, whether it is on my "ever-important list" or not. HE is able. He is wanting to give me strength today.
So for now, I am living in the "I can" AND the "I can't", with the help of someone a lot more capable than me. I want to do what He's put before me to do...but I also want to remember He is the One who even gave me this day to begin with, so when I feel like I can't do it all...He will give me what I need in the moment I need it.
My word to you this morning is that you would remember the same. That his abilities really are a lot better than your own, and that's okay.
Strength and blessings to you today, friends.
So many things to get done, people to see, things to take places, gifts to buy, gifts to mail, house to clean, parties to plan, meals to cook, bills to pay, dr's appointments, school Christmas programs, laundry to fold (a huge pile is staring at me as I write)...and the list goes on and on. Daily.
You know how it goes, right?
It just seems to keep coming and coming sometimes.
And that's not to mention all the things I really WANT to be doing. Like doing cute Christmas crafts with Abigail, reading the Christmas story to her over and over, spending extra time loving on my husband, working out (hmm, I've missed you, Gym), having quiet "me" time, etc. Oh, and sleep.
So this week I have found myself throwing my hands up a few times and just being like "I CAN'T do all this." Then the enemy comes in and throws Shame in my face. "You are a stay at home mom...I can't believe you can't get all this done. You are so spoiled."
woah. Have any of you heard that one before? For me, it kind of takes the wind out of my sails...which in turn, just perpetuates the cycle of feeling like "I can't." (hmm, that's a whole other post)
So then, in my own fleshly efforts to make up for hearing shame and feeling "behind", I find myself frantically trying to make things work, make things happen, check things off my long list.
And you know what? I DO actually get things done. I get those errands run, I cook the meals, I send the gifts. I may even do a Pinteresty Christmas project with my little girl. (just go ahead and pat me on the back. I'm such a good mama.)
ahem. that was sarcasm in case you didnt get it.
And while it's helpful to be feeling like "I CAN" versus "I can't"...at some point, after I have exhausted myself, and set the town on fire in my five hours alone while the girls are at MDO...
I crash.
And then it starts all over with the I can'ts.
But this morning, something woke me up at 4:50 AM, and I was not able to fall back asleep, because my mind was running through my list again. So after an hour of tormenting myself trying to sleep, I finally just got up and came downstairs. My plan was "well, I'm up before the sun, I may as well start getting stuff done..."
But the Lord has had different plans for me this morning. Just to help me wake up, I put on some music, and intended to tackle this giant load of laundry (remember, that one staring at me right now?)
The first thing that came on was "Our Secret Place", an oldie but goodie worship song from Christy Nockles.
In the song, she is asking the Lord to draw near, to come close to me in our secret place.
(Hmm, I just have to wonder if maybe the crack of dawn this morning was a "set up" to get me in a quiet place with Him. With my heart.)
part of the words of the song...
"There is no more to DO, there is no more to SAY...Come close to me..."
- - - - - - - - - -
OK i hear you Lord.
I heard Him.
I felt His presence, His desire for me to just be with Him this morning.
HIS ability to help me do what He has placed before me to do today, whatever that may be, whether it is on my "ever-important list" or not. HE is able. He is wanting to give me strength today.
So for now, I am living in the "I can" AND the "I can't", with the help of someone a lot more capable than me. I want to do what He's put before me to do...but I also want to remember He is the One who even gave me this day to begin with, so when I feel like I can't do it all...He will give me what I need in the moment I need it.
My word to you this morning is that you would remember the same. That his abilities really are a lot better than your own, and that's okay.
Strength and blessings to you today, friends.
Christmasy weekend festivities
/
We have spent the weekend doing lots of fun Christmasy things around town,
like the town Christmas tree lighting on Friday night, and then the Christmas parade down our Main street on Saturday.
It's definitely getting us all in the mood of the season a little more.
Plus the fact that it's finally less than 80 degrees helps a little!
so,
a few weekend snapshots for ya...
(me and my girlies at the Christmas parade)
(Frosty!!)
(Abigail and her BFF Anna watching the parade together!)
(B looking out over the Christmas festivities at our local kids museum)
(pure sweetness from these loves)
(Abigail and her little friends shouting for candy at the parade!)
Hope yall's weekend is going great!
and oh yeah...
GIG EM!!! Way to go Johnny Football for bringing the Heisman to the Aggie nation all over!
trying to balance my love for two...
/
I've had a few tears this week about this girl.
She has my whole heart, she really does.
But it's like I had this realization..a sudden jolt to my heart...
that I have already done things differently with her since she is the "second child".
She turned 11 months old yesterday
(can you believe that?!)
and it's crazy to me that almost a year in to having two little ones,
I am still struggling to find the right balance to loving on two babies.
I remember when I was pregnant, I struggled with the fear of not loving the second as much as the first,
But that has definitely never been an issue like I feared it would be.
But now... now I am hit with the fact that I have not been dividing my attention as equally
as my heart wants it to be.
My husband is an only child. and my brother is 8 years older than me,
so as you can imagine, we came into this whole sibling thing pretty much clueless.
I have to say that having a second has been incredible. To see our girls interact is the honestly one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. It really is amazing.
I am so glad for them that they have each other already.
But I think what got me this past week was that one night, I laid Bethany down in her crib with her bottle as always, prayed over her, kissed her night night, and then went over to Abigail's room to do HER "night night" time, which usually includes a lot more cuddling, back rubbing, and reading.
(and sometimes a little convincing to go to sleep :) )
Then it just HIT me.
The memories of doing Abigail's nightly "routine" came flooding back.
We would do "lotions time" where we would lay with her and do some infant massage with lotion,
then Parker would sing to her, whatever silly sweetness came out of him.
Then I would nurse her, and Parker would usually lay on the other side of us,
petting her head and singing to her. The he would leave while I laid her in her bed.
It was our routine every single night.
But we just haven't done that with sweet Bethany.
(oh tears! sensitive mama moment..ahhhh!)
It made my heart so so sad for her AND for me, that I haven't done the same extended routine with her as I did with Abigail.
I really am starting to make a bigger effort to do that now.
I want to savor this precious time with her being so little, like I did with Abigail.
But I also realize that the pulls on me as a mom of two now are different.
That I DO indeed have another child in the next room who also needs my attention.
And actually may need it a little more at times these days..these (long) independent-but-dependent-confused-almost-three-year-old days.
I do realize that Abigail is more outwardly aware of where I spend my time, and is obviously more vocal than Bethany is about her opinion of where that time should be spent.
(with her, duh mom)
But at the same time, my heart is really saddened thinking about how things are just different now with the second.
and while I am sharing, I do think that part of me feeling this way, feeling this imbalance of my time with Bethany compared to my time with Abigail when she was the same age,
has several factors...
one, being that my two year old just requires LOTS of attention right now
(attention I am happy to give!),
two, being that I think Bethany's personality is just a little more independent already than Abigail was at this age,
and three, I think the fact that I nursed Abigail a lot longer than Bethany has a lot to do with it.
(she had to start a bottle a few months ago due to being underweight, and really prefers it now...
don't get me started...I am crying just typing this little sentence about it. That's a whole other post, yall.)
So, there's just not the connection of nursing her to sleep each night, that I still had with Abigail at this age.
All that said, I am fully aware that Bethany requires a lot more of me at other times in the day,
especially at times when Abigail thinks that I need to be with her.
Like if I need to go rock Bethany or lay her down, or when I need to interrupt playing with Abigail to go change Bethany, etc.
So it's not like it's really "unequal".
But I guess my sadness is that I feel like, for myself as a mother,
it seems harder to really savor and take time in the sweet moments with the second baby.
Do any of you mamas of 2 or more ever feel this way? Any advice?
I know it will all balance out.
And in the meantime, I think Parker and I decided that we are going to make a better effort to do a longer nighttime routine with Bethany...even if that means a longer evening for us as parents...
or even if it means splitting up and going room to room.
So last night,
I purposely did a shorter bedtime with Abigail, and then went back to Bethany's room.
She was still chugging her bottle, so I picked her up and laid her next to me on the guest bed in her room.
(though I was dying to be nursing her), she just laid snuggled up to me and drank her bottle.
I sang a song to her that I used to sing to Abigail.
She LOVED it. She stared at me with happy eyes.
As you might have guessed, I cried.
I love my two daughters fully with all my heart.
I just want them BOTH to know that... as best as I can show them.
I feel so blessed to be their mama,
and I can't wait for what's to come as I learn to balance this overwhelming love in my heart!
