in response to my post about sharing deeper things, my sweet friend
Leslie,
sent me the perfect words in the perfect timing the other day. She said,
"...just ask God to lead you when you sit down, and He will.
He will take away that overwhelmed feeling of what to say first."
So I will write as He leads, and I may split this up a little too, to help not be so jumbled.
I am writing this to share my testimony.
I may not have all the "answers" here if you have questions about my story or about anything I say,
but please feel free to email me..I would seriously love to talk more about it all!
(racingtowardsjoy@gmail.com)
*This is a long one...But it's important. Please keep reading if you feel led. Thanks y'all.*
here's part of my story.
I had been in pain for a while.
Not able to write a grocery list without pain in my fingers.
Not able to chop veggies for dinner without pain in my hands.
Unable to hold my arms up to wash my hair for too long.
Extremely tired all the time...but unable to sleep at all.
Unable to exercise like I always had.
Not able to stand for too long without feeling exhausted.
But I could not sit for too long bc my joints would hurt in my hips.
My memory and mind were fuzzy ALL the time.
Numbness in my hands, which always scared me when I would drive.
My hormones were completely messed up, and lots of female issues came along with it.
We had lots of testing done.
Lots of doctors. Lots of blood work, cat scans, MRI's, etc.
We were told the possibilities were Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, or MS.
(these possibilities rocked our world, just thinking about them)
No one could figure it out.
Finally, they "diagnosed" me with Fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia is basically described as "chronic widespread pain",
where the nerves are "overactively responsive",
so that a person dealing with this feels every little twinge or pain or nerve firing in their body.
Where a person without it might have a very normal twitch or cramp in a muscle,
I would be in lots of pain from the same twitch. Does that make sense?
That's how I lived. NOT fun.
(you've probably seen the Fibromyalgia commercials...
there are million of them for different medications to help pain and sleep issues,
none of which ever helped me)
but we KNEW that God did not want me to live this way.
*if you know us well, you know that I have a petty crazy history of dealing with medical issues since we got married.*
So this was not our first go around with medical stuff, but it was def the most serious.
not to get all "we-believe-y" on y'all, but I feel like i should explain where I'm coming from in my faith.
We believe in the supernatural power of God to do the things today that He has done forever.
We believe that He heals, does miracles, does supernatural deliverances.
We believe that he loves to give His children gifts including dreams, visions, heavenly languages, prophecy and aposotlic callings. (among more)
We believe that there is a demonic realm that Satan operates from and through.
We believe that there are demonic spirits that lie and deceive.
We have SEEN it all. Not just heard about it. We have read it in His word, and seen it in our lives.
It's not just something that happens in the "charismatic" or Pentecostal churches. It is real.
We have personally experienced it. Felt it. Known it.
It is the power of Jesus.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities, and powers of this dark world
and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
All that to say, I had been prayed for many times for healing,
and this time with the Fibromyalgia was no different.
But we were honestly fed up and just worn down.
Yet, we felt like He had said that this was not a forever-thing.
We had heard of this week-long conference that teaches about the spiritual roots of disease.
We knew several people who had been and had amazing experiences.
But we had no idea what to expect.
We thought we were going to a revival-like mass healing conference.
But it turned out that it was a week long of being taught about scripture and what the Lord says
about disease, healing, and the roots of sin and lies from Satan.
We literally just soaked in it from 9-5 every day, and then again each night.
Only a few times were there times for "healing prayer" and "deliverance prayer".
During this week, I came to really understand that I had been living in fear for a long time.
This week allowed me to delve into the roots of it, to explore all the lies I had believed for so long.
(The main lie that led to my fear was that God was not my ultimate Protector.)
We knew that I had lived under the spirit of Fear for a while,
but had no idea what needed to happen to be free from it.
And I dont think I realized the major connection between fear and my health struggles.
(back-track a sec with me)
ON THE WAY to this conference, we crossed the Mississippi river.
Parker was driving. (fear of not being in control of the car)
We were going over a river (i feared drowning)
on an overpass (I hated overpasses)
We were coming up next to an 18 wheeler (another fear)
then the lane ended and Parker had to make a quick move next to the big truck (more fear)
With all those put together...
my body literally felt SHOCKS going though it.
that's when I knew it was all connected.
When I say that I was bound up in fear, that would be a understatement.
It consumed my mind AND my body.
anxiety, fear, unrest...no peace.
But at the same time. I did not walk around outwardly thinking
"oh my gosh I'm gonna be hit by a bus today!".
It had just become almost my mode of operation. A subconscious mindset.
I think that's why it started affecting me internally so badly.
And really no one besides Parker knew what a big struggle this was for me.
anything. And I don't mean fear like I had phobias...I mean like i would always listen to thoughts that were the opposite of what was true and right and good.)
Like even when I was healthy, I would fear being sick.
Long before I ever thought about having kids, I feared I wouldn't be able to.
When I drove next to 18 wheelers, I feared them toppling over on my car.
I feared bridges. I would white-knuckle the handles in my car if someone else was driving.
I feared rejection...big time. and funny thing is...
I am a social person, but I always had walls up due to this fear.
I feared my husband leaving me.
I feared someone breaking in or attacking me.
the list goes on and on really.
These may sound like all "normal" fears to you, maybe you fear all these things.
But you know how I knew it was getting out of hand?
when I started FEARING FEAR.
stop and think about that. It does sound a little crazy I know.
But when I got to this point...
I KNEW I needed freedom. Like more than just some good scripture memorization
or a prayer for peace.
One evening at this conference,
they said the Lord was leading them to do a prayer for deliverance from the demonic spirit of fear
(deliverance basically means "freedom from a bondage or danger")
*deliverance is WHY Jesus came for us!!*
But he wants more than just our entrance to Heaven.
He desires for us to be free HERE and NOW.
"It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free."
This is where it may all sound a little crazy to you,
but I feel released to share it, and am hopeful it will bless.
I held out my hands to receive the prayer.
Next thing I knew I was on my knees, shaking, dry-heaving and crying.
I felt like it lasted forever.
(but I think it was just a minute or two)
An overwhelming feeling I have only experienced a handful of times in His Presence.
Like a wave washing over me.
*not all deliverances or healings are like mine. God can do it with a whisper if He wants to. But I believe He did it this way for ME because I needed to FEEL it all physically...like a representation that HE could give me the opposite of what I had been feeling in my body for so long*
Throughout the rest of the week,
I continued to learn, soak in, and believe, the freedom God had for me.
And so He started showing me that I indeed was free.
Remember how I said I couldn't write my grocery list without pain?
I took almost half a notebook of notes the rest of the conference.
The healing had already begin.
(AND IT CONTINUES TODAY.)
Over the course of several weeks following,
and DAILY surrendering my mind (literally taking every thought captive)
and believing HIS LOVE for me rather than FEAR...
I started to be free from all my symptoms.
I started gaining back strength. I started sleeping again.
I was able to work out again.
My memory and mind started clearing.
Remember how I also told you that my hormones had been really messed up?
(Ill spare you all those details, but according to my OBGYN, it was going to be really hard to get pregnant
until we figured all my other health stuff out.)
We got pregnant with Abigail 3 weeks after I was delivered from fear.
And I had an amazingly healthy pregnancy.
The healthiest I have ever been in my life.
I no longer have the pain or exhaustion from the "disease".
I have been freed from this bondage to fear.
- - - - - - - - - -
So why do I share all this with you?
What are my hopes in opening up my personal testimonies to you?
What are you supposed to do with this?
Maybe you are living in fear.
Maybe you are living with disease or pain.
Maybe you have had questions about IF the Lord can still heal today.
I do not have all the answers.
I do not know why some people are healed and some aren't.
But I do know this.
God is good.
and He is capable.
He is capable and willing to love on you where you are,
whether that means bringing you to a place of freedom and healing.
or giving you supernatural peace in the midst of the suffering.
Also, I want you to know that these things are indeed possible.
I believe with all my heart that God DOES desire for each of us to know His goodness.
It IS possible to be free from fear and sickness...if that is HIS desire for you.
But I would definitely start asking Him if it is, if you haven't already.
And ask Him to show you what lie you might be believing,
or if there is a deep wound that needs healing.
I cannot tell you how many people we now know (personally), and also testimonies we have heard,
who when they became free from certain lies in their minds...
their bodies were healed.
I think so many people put so much weight in what doctors say, or put so much hope in getting a diagnosis. I know I did.
When really,
it MAY be that all you need is to be free from a bondage that has such a hold on you
that it has made you sick.
Just ask Him about it.
I want freedom for you.
And I can't imagine how He feels.
Because He loves you so much.
- - - - - - - - - -
...more to come...
Thanks for reading y'all.
It means the world to me
I feel so honored to share my story here, and am trusting God to use it.
I will definitely continue to post more about all these things,
but if you want to chat at all, please email me.
I'd love to hear your stories.
Love y'all.
